Category: Interpersonal Communication

By Tasha M. Troy

Have you ever worked with someone who just rubbed you the wrong way?

I am one who prides herself on her ability to get along with just about anyone, but I once had a coworker who simply got under my skin almost every time we interacted.  This became a source of stress in our small department!

How often do we let people or circumstances “push our buttons”?

 

Emotional Intelligence in Action

We often hear about the importance of “emotional intelligence,” and we may have read up on it, even taken a course, in our efforts to become more effective leaders.  In their book Primal Leadership: Realizing the Power of Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis, and Annie McKee point out that “understanding the powerful role of emotions in the workplace sets the best leaders apart from the rest – not just in the tangibles such as better business results and the retention of talent, but also in the all-important intangibles, such as higher morale, motivation, and commitment.”

However, it’s hard to be “intelligent” in the midst of a trying situation.  On top of our knowledge, we have to practice emotional resilience and control, especially when the stakes are low, so that we can be more effective when the stakes are high.  If you want to have an impact in your sphere of influence on both the tangible and intangible measures, you have to start with protecting your own emotional buttons.  Leadership always starts with yourself.

 

Rising Above the Drama

Any time we are drawn into a conflict, it is important to remember one thing:  I can only control and change myself; there is nothing I can do to control the other person or their reactions.

If that is the case, what can we do to rise above the drama of everyday, or even extraordinary, conflict?

Changing how you react to the people and circumstances that provoke you is not a quick and easy thing.  In his book The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership, John Maxwell talks about “The Law of Process” – leadership doesn’t develop in a day, but daily, which includes self-leadership.  It’s a process.

Just like losing weight or building muscles or learning how to perform any skill takes time, effort, attention, and practice, so building our emotional muscles takes time.

 

Imperfect Progress

Lysa TerKeurst talks about such a process in her book Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions.  She calls it “imperfect progress.”  If each day we are making slightly better choices than we did yesterday, we are making progress.  We won’t react perfectly every time; we are still human and we will blow it.  However, if that happens less and less frequently, we have cause to celebrate.

In the situation with my colleague, I learned under what circumstances I could interact with her and when I should steer clear of her.  I became more aware of my own reactions and was intentional about reacting differently.  It didn’t repair the relationship outside of the workplace, but it made it possible for us to effectively work together.

 

Take It Deeper

In what area of life do you need to allow “imperfect progress”?

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these weekly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

 

References

The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership by John Maxwell

Primal Leadership: Realizing the Power of Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis, and Annie McKee

Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions.  by Lysa TerKeurst

By Tasha M. Troy

In 2004, I began a new phase of my teaching career by joining the teaching staff at a multinational corporation based in South Korea. Our students were mid-level managers and mid-career professionals, and I quickly learned a new set of classroom management strategies that incorporated respect for their positions and experience while still giving constructive feedback.

In 2010, the necessity for giving gentle and diplomatic instruction was intensified as I joined a program in the US teaching professional communication skills to naturalized US citizens. Not only were these experienced professionals, but they had also been in the United States for several years and had developed sophisticated compensation strategies that led many of them to overestimate their English proficiency. Several of these accomplished adults experienced an identity crisis when faced with the reality of their language weaknesses, and only a gentle approach could reach them.

 

Keys to Gentleness: Vulnerability & Understanding

One key to treating people with gentleness is having personal humility and vulnerability. Brené Brown, in her TED Talk “The power of vulnerability,” describes how the people who are best able to connect with others have embraced vulnerability, have owned their imperfections, and have developed a humility that enables them to approach others with kindness and gentleness.

I believe a key to treating people gently is to understand the other’s perspective. In his book Getting More: How You Can Negotiate to Succeed in Work and Life, Professor Stuart Diamond describes how important it is to connect with people you are attempting to work with, not on the basis of cold reason but through truly understanding what is important to them.

He explains that when attempting to persuade someone, “you have to understand the pictures in their heads: their perceptions and feelings, how they view you and the rest of the world.” He encourages his students (and readers) to ask a lot of questions when they are dealing with people they would like to persuade. He goes on to list fourteen elements of effective communication, most of which relate to showing the other side that you value and respect them.

Of course, not all communication is created equal. In my classes, we spend some time talking about the value of “diplomatic language” – speaking in such a way as to soften statements and to express value for the other person through polite language. The more tense the situation, the more “diplomatic” you need to be. This is not so much about how you feel; you may be very upset, but raising your voice and using overly direct language will not enable you to connect with the other person. However, “a gentle answer turns away wrath.”

 

Take It Deeper

If we want to connect with people with different perspectives, we must approach them with gentleness. Otherwise, we risk coming across as harsh and judgmental.

I highly encourage you to begin practicing gentleness in all your communications.

If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions on Fridays.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net