Author: Team Troy

By Tasha M. Troy

Several years ago while I was living in South Korea, I met my parents in Hawaii for a short vacation.  Since I was scheduled to arrive considerably earlier than my family coming from the mainland, my father suggested I pick up the rental car and check out Honolulu, which I thought was an excellent idea.

As I was driving around, I made a last-minute decision to get into a left-turn lane.  When I checked, the lane appeared to be clear.  Suddenly, I heard a “thump!” and realized that there was a motorcyclist there!  Clearly I had failed to check my blind spot.  Fortunately, I didn’t injure the driver, but he was quite angry and I was shaken by the experience.

We are all familiar with the concept of a blind spot while driving, but very few are familiar with mental blind spots.

In their book Real Influence: Persuade without Pushing, Gain without Giving In, Mark Goulston and John Ullmen talk about listening past your blind spot.  They define your “blind spot” as the condition of being immersed in your own perspective, and when that happens, you are not able to connect with others effectively.  In fact, Goulston and Ullmen propose that it is only in being influenceable that we can achieve greater influence ourselves.

Becoming Influenceable

When I talk to clients and friends about being open-minded and influenceable, I tend to get a bit of push-back.  They say they don’t want to be “so opened minded their brain falls out,” and they express concern that being open to others’ ideas means they will have to compromise their values and principles.

However, I have found Goulston and Ullmen’s explanation to be an excellent way of looking at this so-important element of developing influence with another:  “Being influenceable means being both open-minded and open-hearted.”  (p. 108)

If we truly value people in general, we need to first look for the value they bring to any relationship without imposing our own expectations or perspectives on them.  To me, this is the essence of being open-minded.  Even someone I disagree with violently on most things will have something of value to add to my life.  This doesn’t relieve me of responsibility; being influenceable means we have greater responsibility to evaluate new ideas as they are presented, but it doesn’t mean we dismiss the people who share those ideas.

In our super-charged political atmosphere right now, I dare you to open your mind and your heart to truly hear someone else, especially if that someone has dramatically different views than you do.  You might just be surprised by what their perspective can reveal.

Take It Deeper

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

By Tasha M. Troy

Not long ago, I sat down with a friend for lunch. As we were catching up, I began to feel like I was being interrogated rather than participating in a conversation. I’m not saying my friend was intrusively firing questions at me; she was friendly and cheerful as she asked me about the various situations I’ve been facing. She was even asking some good open-ended questions. However, I ended up leaving the conversation feeling like I hadn’t actually been heard.

Not All Listening Is Equal

I suspect most people understand what it takes to show interest in others – remember what is important to the other person and ask open-ended questions – yet we still fail to connect on the deeper levels that each person craves. How is it that my friend did everything she was supposed to do and still left me feeling unheard?

Mark Goulston and John Ullmen introduce four levels of listening in their book Real Influence: Persuade without Pushing, Gain without Giving In. The first two levels are generally negative and should not be used if at all possible – avoidance (distracted) listening and defensive (reactive) listening.

Why the “Shopping List” Approach Doesn’t Really Work

The third level, problem-solving listening, is very practical and often effective when facts and reason are paramount. However, according to Goulston and Ullmen, “Level 3 listening, especially when matters are complex or emotionally charged, leaves too much room for misunderstanding.”

As I pondered the experience with my friend, I realized that this was the level that she had engaged in. Her questions had me focusing on the facts of my circumstances, not the deeper meaning I am deriving from them or how I feel about them. To an extent, it felt as though she were working her way down a list of topics she had to cover and was less interested in actually hearing what I had to say about the topics.  I have to wonder how often I, too, take this approach in relationships – more often than is good, I suspect.

Going to the Next Level in Relationships

The highest level of listening, Level 4, is called “connective listening.” This is listening to understand and build rapport; your interest at this level is not even in solving a problem but to get underneath the surface of what the person is sharing. According to Goulston and Ullmen, “It’s listening without an agenda, because you’re not focused on responding or even on helping.” Only after fully understanding the situation can solutions be explored.

Listening to another person at this level is a powerful way to build a relationship. Whether someone is simply sharing an experience or is venting, responding by asking for more information affirms the speaker and shows your concern for their feelings. It allows them to release all the negative emotions associated with the situation, and consequently they become better able to listen to you in return, further strengthening the relationship.

Take It Deeper

I believe that connective listening is a powerful tool. How much suffering can we alleviate simply by listening with open ears and open hearts to those around us? Who can you practice connective listening with today?

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

By Tasha M. Troy

Have you ever worked with someone who just rubbed you the wrong way?

I am one who prides herself on her ability to get along with just about anyone, but I once had a coworker who simply got under my skin almost every time we interacted.  This became a source of stress in our small department!

How often do we let people or circumstances “push our buttons”?

Emotional Intelligence in Action

We often hear about the importance of “emotional intelligence,” and we may have read up on it, even taken a course, in our efforts to become more effective leaders.  In their book Primal Leadership: Realizing the Power of Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis, and Annie McKee point out that “understanding the powerful role of emotions in the workplace sets the best leaders apart from the rest – not just in the tangibles such as better business results and the retention of talent, but also in the all-important intangibles, such as higher morale, motivation, and commitment.”

However, it’s hard to be “intelligent” in the midst of a trying situation.  On top of our knowledge, we have to practice emotional resilience and control, especially when the stakes are low, so that we can be more effective when the stakes are high.  If you want to have an impact in your sphere of influence on both the tangible and intangible measures, you have to start with protecting your own emotional buttons.  Leadership always starts with yourself.

Rising Above the Drama

Any time we are drawn into a conflict, it is important to remember one thing:  I can only control and change myself; there is nothing I can do to control the other person or their reactions.

If that is the case, what can we do to rise above the drama of everyday, or even extraordinary, conflict?

Changing how you react to the people and circumstances that provoke you is not a quick and easy thing.  In his book The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership, John Maxwell talks about “The Law of Process” – leadership doesn’t develop in a day, but daily, which includes self-leadership.  It’s a process.

Just like losing weight or building muscles or learning how to perform any skill takes time, effort, attention, and practice, so building our emotional muscles takes time.

Imperfect Progress

Lysa TerKeurst talks about such a process in her book Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions.  She calls it “imperfect progress.”  If each day we are making slightly better choices than we did yesterday, we are making progress.  We won’t react perfectly every time; we are still human and we will blow it.  However, if that happens less and less frequently, we have cause to celebrate.

In the situation with my colleague, I learned under what circumstances I could interact with her and when I should steer clear of her.  I became more aware of my own reactions and was intentional about reacting differently.  It didn’t repair the relationship outside of the workplace, but it made it possible for us to effectively work together.

Take It Deeper

In what area of life do you need to allow “imperfect progress”?

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these weekly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

References

The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership by John Maxwell

Primal Leadership: Realizing the Power of Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis, and Annie McKee

Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions.  by Lysa TerKeurst

By Tasha M. Troy

In 2004, I began a new phase of my teaching career by joining the teaching staff at a multinational corporation based in South Korea. Our students were mid-level managers and mid-career professionals, and I quickly learned a new set of classroom management strategies that incorporated respect for their positions and experience while still giving constructive feedback.

In 2010, the necessity for giving gentle and diplomatic instruction was intensified as I joined a program in the US teaching professional communication skills to naturalized US citizens. Not only were these experienced professionals, but they had also been in the United States for several years and had developed sophisticated compensation strategies that led many of them to overestimate their English proficiency. Several of these accomplished adults experienced an identity crisis when faced with the reality of their language weaknesses, and only a gentle approach could reach them.

Keys to Gentleness: Vulnerability & Understanding

One key to treating people with gentleness is having personal humility and vulnerability. Brené Brown, in her TED Talk “The power of vulnerability,” describes how the people who are best able to connect with others have embraced vulnerability, have owned their imperfections, and have developed a humility that enables them to approach others with kindness and gentleness.

I believe a key to treating people gently is to understand the other’s perspective. In his book Getting More: How You Can Negotiate to Succeed in Work and Life, Professor Stuart Diamond describes how important it is to connect with people you are attempting to work with, not on the basis of cold reason but through truly understanding what is important to them.

He explains that when attempting to persuade someone, “you have to understand the pictures in their heads: their perceptions and feelings, how they view you and the rest of the world.” He encourages his students (and readers) to ask a lot of questions when they are dealing with people they would like to persuade. He goes on to list fourteen elements of effective communication, most of which relate to showing the other side that you value and respect them.

Of course, not all communication is created equal. In my classes, we spend some time talking about the value of “diplomatic language” – speaking in such a way as to soften statements and to express value for the other person through polite language. The more tense the situation, the more “diplomatic” you need to be. This is not so much about how you feel; you may be very upset, but raising your voice and using overly direct language will not enable you to connect with the other person. However, “a gentle answer turns away wrath.”

Take It Deeper

If we want to connect with people with different perspectives, we must approach them with gentleness. Otherwise, we risk coming across as harsh and judgmental.

I highly encourage you to begin practicing gentleness in all your communications.

If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions on Fridays.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net