Category: Interpersonal Communication

Interpersonal Communication, Leadership, Our Blog

How to Influence Groups toward Positive, Productive Outcomes

T. M. T.

“To connect with people in a group, relate to them as individuals.”

            – John Maxwell

This quote is from John Maxwell’s from book The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership.  John is globally recognized for his expertise in values-based, people-centric servant leadership.  He understands what it takes to lead groups through influence.

The big idea here is that we often complicate relationships when it comes to relating to a group, but remember – all groups are comprised of individuals!

Here’s how this applies to us and building better work relationships:

No one wants to be considered a “group”; we all want to be recognized for who we are, as individuals.  I know I’ve made the mistake of treating a group as one entity, but my rapport with the group improved when I made a point of connecting with the individuals first. 

This reminds me of The 5 Core Concerns described by Roger Fisher and Dan Shapiro in their book Beyond Reason.  Everyone you meet is concerned with appreciation, affiliation, autonomy, status, and their role.  (There’s so much I could say about this!  You can find a little more about this in my blog post The Magic Key to Persuasion)

When you meet the individual needs of your group, the entire group functions better.  I’ve found that once I’ve established a connection with the individual, I am better able to nurture the connections between members of the group.  When they trust me, they are better able to trust their peers.  This leads to better collaboration and better outcomes. 

These tips can help you whether you have a formal leadership position or not, so let’s put this into action:

  1. Take an inventory of the relationships you have with your group.  This could be your work team, or it could be a group of clients.  (This also works with groups in your personal life.)
  2. Identify which of your group members need their core concerns addressed.
  3. Start doing the little things to show you see and appreciate them as an individual.
  4. Watch how the relationship starts to grow and bloom!  As your relationship strengthens, you can help them connect better to other members of the group, strengthening the entire unit.
Interpersonal Communication, Leadership, Our Blog

The Truth about Your Biggest Goals

T. M. T.

“One is too small a number to achieve greatness.”

            – John Maxwell

This quote is from John Maxwell’s book The 17 Indisputable Laws of Teamwork.

John Maxwell is a master at connecting with people one-on-one, in small groups, and as an audience. He truly understands what it takes to achieve big goals.

The big idea here is the “self made man” is a myth.  There are no “lone rangers.” All successful people have a community or network that have contributed to their success.

In his book Creating Minds, Dr. Howard Gardner of Harvard University demonstrates how geniuses like Picasso, Ghandi, and Einstein didn’t become the men who could change the world by working alone.  He shows how each of these geniuses had a community around them that encouraged and challenged them to become the great men they became.  

I have been fortunate to have had two incredible work relationships with women who thought very differently from me.  The first, when I was still in S. Korea, was a very creative thinker who was an auditory learner.  When we collaborated, my organizational skills and visual learning style combined with her skills to create powerful learning activities and materials.  The second, when I was working in Washington, DC, was another extrovert to my introvert.  As we collaborated, we created a rich learning environment for our trainees that neither alone could have achieved.

The truth is we all need people around us to help us achieve our greatest goals.  When we intentionally seek out people WHO THINK DIFFERENTLY FROM US, it enhances your ability to create a plan and execute that plan.

So, let’s put this into action:

  1. Take an inventory of the relationships you have – both personal and professional
  2. Identify those who have been your greatest supporters and encouragers – take time to thank them!
  3. Identify those who bring complimentary skills, talents, and perspectives – become more intentional about collaborating with them
Interpersonal Communication, Lessons from the Field, Our Blog

Peer Leadership in Trying Times

T. M. T.

The global coronavirus (COVID-19) outbreak has inspired a wide range of reactions.

  • Some seem quite unconcerned, not wearing a face mask in public but at least practicing good hygiene
  • Some take moderate precautions – wearing a mask in public, washing hands more frequently, carrying a small bottle of hand sanitizer, avoiding physical contact such as shaking hands with others
  • Some take massive action – enhancing the filtering capability of their mask, completely avoiding public spaces, carrying large bottles of hand sanitizer

I actually fall in the middle group, though I wear a mask in public primarily as a courtesy for those in the last group. However, as a side note, my area of Korea has had the lowest rate of infection in the country, partially due to the prevalence of this “massive action” group here.

These responses have brought sudden and big changes to how we operate on a day to day basis. Navigating the evolving and complex environment can be challenging, even more so if you consider yourself as an influential person. I know that my attitude and my reactions have an affect on the people around me, in particular the other faculty, who find themselves in the same position I’m in.

I am careful – most of the time! – to keep a positive and helpful attitude. This is the greatest way I can help my students and colleagues through this trying time. However, being a morning person, my current challenge is to maintain that positive attitude through the afternoon, which is when most of my interpersonal contact happens.

I have come to recognize a greater need for self care throughout the day in order to maintain my positivity. What do you do to keep yourself charged up throughout the day?

Interpersonal Communication, Lessons from the Field, Our Blog

Love in the Time of Coronavirus

T. M. T.

I love Korea – the country, the culture, the people, the food, all of it. I didn’t realize how much until I returned to Korea three weeks ago after being gone for 10 years. In many ways, Korea will always be “home” to me.

I love teaching – interacting with hungry minds, creating a learning community, helping individuals reach for their potential. This has been and will continue to be my life’s work, my passion.

COVID-19 has disrupted my relationship with both of these loves!

As of this writing, there are over 3,500 coronavirus cases reported in South Korea. When I arrived three weeks ago, there were fewer than 30.

This dramatic increase has inspired a strong reaction from the Koreans I love so much.

  • My university has required that all class be taught online for the first two weeks (but I expect that to be extended). Many universities have postponed the start of classes by op to 3 weeks.
  • The majority people are wearing surgical face masks whenever they are in public. This includes the Korean staff and many of the international faculty in my office. In fact, in order to enter my housing facility, I must wear a mask.
  • The population has been encouraged by the government to avoid gathering together, including Sunday services.
Children playing soccer while wearing protective face masks.

All of these restrictions have made building and maintaining relationships more challenging – especially with my new students. I have done what I can to help them get to know me by creating and sending out videos, but I feel I’m having a harder time getting to know them.

In the past, I’ve taught lessons online, but it’s always been later in the semester, after I’ve had the chance to get to know the students and build some rapport. I’m finding this situation a true challenge to my teaching style.

I’m already making a list of things “not to do,” and I’m still looking for the best practices that will be most effective in these circumstances.

Interpersonal Communication, Lessons from the Field, Our Blog

How Can We Break Down “Silos”?

T. M. T.

This past week, I met my new colleagues for the first time.

Korean culture is community-oriented, which is one of the things I love about it. What I forgot about was how community-oriented the expat community can be, too.

I’ve taught at George Mason University for five years now, and in that time, I’ve gotten to know very few faculty outside my own department. Sadly, this is the norm, not just in higher education but also business settings and government. We tend to keep ourselves “siloed” away from people in other departments or business units.

In the past week, I’ve spent time with faculty from five different departments and from four different countries – people whose paths I might never have crossed in Fairfax, VA – on the main campus where we all teach! We are shopping together, getting lunch and coffee together, and taking walks together.

These are interesting people who I really like, with whom I have a number of things in common. Why couldn’t we meet in Virginia? Why did we have to come all the way to the other side of the world to get to know each other?

I remember when I first moved to the Washington, DC, area, fresh from living in S. Korea for eight years. I was hungry to find this kind of community, but everyone I met had their own established networks, their own agenda of how they wanted to spend their time. I was fairly lonely those first two or three years until I got connected with a community that was open to me.

Now I’m thinking about how to bring this collegial “un-siloed” sense of community back with me when I return home. I don’t have the answer yet; I’m open to suggestions!

Interpersonal Communication, Lessons from the Field, Our Blog

How Determined Are You?

T. M. T.

As I’ve been settling into my new life here in Korea, I’ve been struck by how little I need to use precise language to communicate.

Albert Einstein is reputed to have said, “If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough.” This past week, my ability to explain things simply has been tested!

While my everyday Korean skills are coming back quickly, I’ve had to visit a couple of financial institutions to reinstate accounts from when I was here ten years ago. This has required a more complex level of Korean language, a higher level than I am currently able to use.

In each interaction, we found ways to communicate, whether it was using simplified language to explain complex situations, using a combination of Korean and English vocabulary, or even writing down what needed to be communicated. (I’ve only had to resort to using my Google Translate app once!)

In the end, I found that our determination to communicate with each other made that communication possible.

 George Bernard Shaw said, “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

How determined are you to truly communicate with the people around you? It seems that we take it for granted that communication is happening when we all speak the same language, but I find that’s when most misunderstandings arise.

I challenge you this week to put more effort into truly understanding those you communicate with regularly and see what it does to improve your relationships!

Interpersonal Communication, Leadership, Our Blog

Six Common Barriers to Listening

T. M. T.

Listening is such a neglected communication skill!

One thing I’ve discovered is people in today’s world often don’t feel like anyone is listening to them everyone is broadcasting: blogs videos YouTube crazy people on the news.  Everyone’s talking, and so few people are listening.  Most of us feel like our perspective is never heard or accepted or even understood.

As an introvert, I consider it to be one of my secret weapons; asking good questions and listening are the two keys for me to be able to connect with others as an introvert without draining myself too much.

Here I share a mini-lesson from my weekly Professional Development Essentials class on Six Common Barriers to Listening.

 

 

If you want to learn more about joining Professional Development Essentials, you can find the details and a link to register at https://troycommunications.net/professional-development-essentials/

 

 

Interpersonal Communication, Leadership, Our Blog

Empathy: What the World Needs Now

T. M. T.

By Tasha M. Troy

The world today seems a much scarier place than it did 15 or 20 years ago. The culture in the US has shifted in ways that create isolation and frustration to dangerous levels, and we see the results in tragedies over and over again.

And I haven’t had to look at the headlines to see it.  I’ve found this lack of empathy in the lives of the people around me.

The truth is that humanity is wired to be self-centered.  We all naturally see the world in relation to how it affects us and make decisions based on perceived personal benefit.  In the US, with our high value for individualism, this tendency has been given free rein, with occasional catastrophic results.

However, when these tragedies happen, most voices are calling out for “remedies” that seem superficial to me.  I believe the root cause is that people have not developed empathy, or the ability to see the world from another’s perspective.

 

Personal Maturity

A mark of personal maturity is the ability to put others first, to consider their needs before you consider your own.  In generations past, this quality was valued and celebrated.  In our culture today, people are both ridiculed and praised for this level of maturity.

  • People are often considered a “doormat” or accused of being naïve at best, a fool at worst, when they put others first.
  • People may be praised as heroic or as a respected leader when they put the needs of others first, especially in a crisis.

This maturity level goes by several different labels:  an element emotional intelligence, the key characteristic of level 5 leadership, the foundation of connective influence

However, it seems to me that developing this level of maturity depends on whether you have a scarcity mindset.  John Maxwell says, “Scarcity thinking is all about me.  It says, ‘There’s not enough to go around.  I had better get something for myself and hold on to it with all I have’” (Maxwell, 226).

With this mindset, it is impossible to think of others and to put their needs first.  If we want to develop empathy, we have to start by replacing our scarcity mindset.

 

Combating Scarcity Thinking

Could it really be that simple?  I believe so.

I once heard, long ago, that the founder of the JC Penny stores was a generous man who tried to out-give God, so I looked a little into his life.  I discovered that the original name of his store was “The Golden Rule,” and he conducted business under that philosophy: “This company’s success is due to the application of the Golden Rule to every individual, the public and to all of our activities” (Barmash).

When he died, he was a very wealthy and successful businessman, in spite of having been wiped out during the Depression.  One of his applications of this principle was in how he treated his employees, whom he referred to as associates, by implementing a profit sharing plan.

There are other examples we can look at – C. J. Walker, Oprah Winfrey and Bill Gates, to name a few – to find that an abundance mindset can make all the difference.

“Abundance thinking is the mindset of people of significance, and it has nothing to do with how much they have. … But whatever they have, they are willing to share because they don’t worry about running out” (Maxwell, 227).  This is the mindset necessary to develop empathy.

If you want to begin cultivating an abundance mindset in your own life, start with gratitude.  I challenge you to daily write down three to five things you are grateful for in your life.  Before long, you will begin to see the world through a different lens – the lens of abundance.

 

Take It Deeper

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

 

Works Cited:

Barmash, I. (1971) J. C. Penney of Store Chain Dies; Built Business on ‘Golden Rule.’ The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/1971/02/13/archives/j-c-penney-of-store-chain-dies-built-business-on-golden-rule-j-c.html

Collins, J.  (2001).  Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap . . . and Others Don’t.

Goleman, D. (2005) Emotional Intelligence

Goulston, M. and Ullmen, J.  (2013).  Real Influence: Persuade without Pushing and Gain without Giving In.

Maxwell, J. C. (2015) Intentional Living: Choosing a Life that Matters.

Interpersonal Communication, Leadership, Our Blog

A Process for When Conflict Comes Along

T. M. T.

I was recently asked how someone could deal with a person who dominated a conversation, never pausing long enough to let anyone else “get a word in edgewise.”  She had recently been at a dinner party where this had happened, and she had been quite at a loss as how to address the problem

We have all faced similar situations, where it isn’t clear what the best way to resolve the situation may be.  What I find is that many people are haven’t had the training to know how to address these situations.

Conflict is inevitable.  It is not possible that you will be in harmony with everyone around you at all times.  Whenever there are two or more people working together, there will be disagreement and conflict.

It is how we respond (or react) to conflict that defines our relationships. 

The authors of Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stakes Are High summed up the dilemma as “how can I be 100% honest … and 100% respectful?” (p. 22).  The question comes down to the “nature vs. nurture” debate, whether some people are born as natural conflict resolvers or whether these are skills that can be learned.

 

A Process for Resolving Conflict

I believe that conflict management is a skill that can be learned, a key element of emotional intelligence, and the sooner we learn how to address these conflicts constructively, the better:

Whenever I think about resolving a conflict, I always go back to “The 5 Core Concerns,” one of which is autonomy.  The best resolution will be one in which all parties have a say.

In his book Good Leaders Ask Great Questions (p. 175-177), John Maxwell describes the process he uses to address problematic behavior, which meets this need for autonomy:

  • Meet privately ASAP to discuss their behavior
  • Ask for their side of the story
  • Try to come to a place of agreement
  • Set out a future course of action with a deadline
  • Validate the value of the person and express your commitment to help

 

Walking Out the Process

I have walked through this situation myself when someone I am leading is having difficulty.

  • Whenever I need to confront someone, I make sure the conversation is one-on-one.
  • I allow time for them to express their position and point of view.
  • I help them see the impact of not changing their behavior.
  • I let them express how they intend to do things differently and hold them to it.
  • Throughout the conversation, I am careful express hope that the person can change their behavior and meet expectations.

By following this process, I see change happen, even if it is slow in coming.

In the past, I didn’t always follow this process.  The result was defensiveness and stubborn refusal to change.  Today, the results are much more positive.

If I – an introvert who avoids conflict – can learn this skill, so can you!

100% honest.  100% respectful.

 

Take It Deeper

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

Interpersonal Communication, Our Blog

Five Keys to Connecting during the Holidays

T. M. T.
By Tasha M. Troy

The holiday season is a magical time of the year that can bring people together who might not otherwise make the time.  For many, this is a wonderful time to bond with friends and family over shared traditions and values.  For many others, it is a stressful and contentious time because you no longer hold the same positions on important issues as your loved ones.

Are you doomed to live in conflict through this joyful season?  What would you think if I told you that you can control the level of conflict in your holiday season?

Keeping the Peace

If you want to avoid interpersonal conflict when meeting up with family and friends, you first need to challenge your attitude.  When contentious topics come up, it is easy to become defensive around your position.  However, you need to have clear goals for the interaction – do you want to defend your views at all costs, or do you want to enjoy the company of friends and family you might not interact with often?

I work in a field where many of my colleagues hold differing political positions from mine.  My positions are deeply held and tied to my personal values, but I choose not to engage in regular debates.  While I don’t agree with my colleagues on many points, there are many other points that I do agree on.  That’s where I will frequently make contributions in conversations.

Fact: You can refuse to respond to baiting comments.

The truth is, you won’t change anyone’s opinion with a rant or a lecture, so let it go.  Now is not the time, and here is not the place, for such conversations.

 

Tasha’s Tips:

If you want to make an impact on people at holiday gatherings this year, I believe that John Maxwell’s book Everyone Communicates, Few Connect holds a few keys to help us not only survive but thrive through holiday gatherings.  Here are a few tips.

  1. Focus on others.  You might have had an eventful year, but so has everyone else!  Ask questions and show interest in others.
  2. Expend the energy required to connect.  If you are dying to share your thoughts, opinions, and experiences with everyone, it might require quite a bit of energy to bite your tongue and to show genuine interest in those around you.  (However, usually once they have finished sharing, they will give you a turn to share.)
  3. Focus on common ground.  Even when divisive topics come up, there will very likely be at least one point you can agree on.  Keep your attention and comments on that point to encourage connection.  If that isn’t possible, work at seeing the issue from the other person’s perspective and speak to that.
  4. Keep it simple.  When confronted with a statement so abrasive that I simply can’t let it slide, instead of confronting the idea head on, I will usually ask a question to challenge the other person’s thinking, giving them the opportunity to discover any logical fallacies they might be embracing.
  5. Create an enjoyable experience.  By not rising up in defensive indignation, you can help maintain a cheerful, enjoyable atmosphere.

Take It Deeper

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.