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Four Steps to Greater Influence

2017-08-022021-09-15 T. M. T.

By Tasha M. Troy

Recently I was asked what would help someone become more persuasive. The answer I gave may have seemed simplistic or counter intuitive, but I’ve found it to be essential for myself in having influence without position and persuasion without pressure, particularly in the cross-cultural settings I usually find myself in.

If you are interested in influence in “disposable” relationships, there are a number of manipulative strategies out there; a simple Google search of “how to persuade” brings back over 38 million results! However, if you are looking for more lasting results, I would like to share four steps that you can take.

Because these steps are unilateral, you have to consider them as investments rather than exchanges. Once you’ve made enough of an investment into any one individual, it will eventually become an exchange, but if your focus is on the exchange, you will likely become discouraged and frustrated.

If it is an investment, you should expect it to take time to generate a return. Executed with consistency, these steps will establish you as a “go-to” person, a reliable ally when things are difficult.

1. Listen to Understand

The most powerful tool I have found in building rapport with anyone is simply listening. Not listening to fix or to respond, but listening to truly understand where another person is coming from. This one action alone has established me as the one person in my family that is trusted to get through to the other members.

Effective listening at this level does not happen when we are focused on our own position, our own ideas, our own “rightness.” We have to set that all aside and truly focus in on where the other person is coming from. Responding and defending our position can come later.

How to Develop Listening Skills (according to John Maxwell): 1. Look at the speaker. 2. Don’t interrupt. 3. Focus on understanding. 4. Determine the need at the moment. 5. Check your emotions. 6. Suspend your judgment. 7. Sum up at major intervals. 8. Ask questions for clarity. 9. Always make listening your priority. (p 46 – 51)

2. See the Other’s Perspective

Building on the deep listening of step 1, you can begin to “put yourself in the other’s shoes.” When you focus on the heart of what people are saying rather than on the words used to express those ideas, and you are able to reflect back to that person their own thoughts with your own words, you create a bond that is not easily broken. When people feel like you “get them,” they begin to open up to you – and your influence – in ways you might not expect.

If you’re not sure where to start with understanding others, I suggest you start with the “five core concerns.” Dan Shapiro of the Harvard Negotiation Project describes five things that every person you meet is concerned about. When you are able to understand these concerns, you have begun to understand the person’s perspective.

How to Understand Others: the 5 Core Concerns (according to Dan Shapiro): 1. Appreciation, 2. Autonomy, 3. Affiliation, 4. Status, 5. Role

3. Encourage Others to Achieve

If you can learn to understand people – how they think, what inspires them, how they’re likely to act in a given situation – then you can motivate and influence them. While it might feel unnecessary, it has been my experience – both as a teacher and coach and as a recipient of encouragement – that people often don’t clearly see their own strengths and potential. Very often, what I see as an obvious strength in an individual is a source of insecurity for that person.

However, when people understand what you see in them, it gives them confidence and the power to set aside the insecurity and move forward in their personal life purpose. When they achieve some success through your encouragement, it can then establish you as a trusted source of advice, further increasing your influence with them.

How to Become a Believer in People (according to John Maxwell): 1. Believe in them before they succeed. 2. Emphasize their strengths. 3. List their past successes. 4. Instill confidence when they fail. 5. Experience some wins together. 6. Visualize their future success. 7. Expect a new level of living. (p. 24 – 31)

4. Build Trust

The final step to long-lasting influence is to build trust. This is the result of consistently walking out the first three steps.

John Maxwell has compared building trust to a deposit account. Every time we act in ways that demonstrate integrity, we increase our trust account. Whenever we act in ways that don’t demonstrate integrity, we decrease our trust account. Some activities create larger deposits or withdrawals, and some can bankrupt your trust reserves. (p. 357)

As we develop integrity and trustworthiness, it becomes our character. This is when you’ve become the influential “go-to” person in your circle, regardless of your position.

How to Become a Person of Integrity (according to John Maxwell): 1. Commit yourself to honesty, reliability, and confidentiality. 2. Decide ahead of time that you don’t have a price. 3. Each day, do what you should do before what you want to do. (p. 65 – 66)

From “Investment” to “Exchange”

Once you’ve become consistent in these four steps, you will likely find “investment” relationships evolving into “exchange” relationships. If you find the other person reciprocating, you can consider this an exchange relationship and can feel confident taking the relationship deeper. Often, these people will become trusted allies in your plans and projects in return.

Take It Deeper

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start. If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week. You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

References:

Maxwell, J. 2003. REAL Leadership: The 101 Collection.

Shapiro, D. The Five Core Concerns of Negotiation. http://bigthink.com/videos/the-five-core-concerns-of-negotiation

Interpersonal Communication, Leadership, Our Blog

But What If You’re Wrong? How Negative Feedback Changed Me for Good

2017-06-092019-07-07 T. M. T.

By Tasha M. Troy

A few years ago, I experienced a misunderstanding and miscommunication with a student. I worked with her for a few months but couldn’t understand why she was resistant to my instruction and feedback—seeming even uncooperative.

It wasn’t until I saw the mid-term student evaluation of instructors that I realized my own misperceptions regarding this student. It turns out that she had gotten the impression that I disliked her on a personal level. This quite upset me because it was both untrue and not the impression I aim to give my students.

When You’re Wrong, It’s Never Apparent Right Away

As the instructor, it was my responsibility to correct the situation; once I did, the final few months were very positive with this student.

If I had maintained my perception of myself as concerned about my students and hadn’t been open to discovering and correcting the misconceptions, the outcome for this student would not have been as positive.

Kathryn Schulz, in her TED Talk “On being wrong,” points out that being wrong feels like being right—until we realize our mistake. We often get so wrapped up in our own perspective that we don’t consider the possibility that a different perspective might give a clearer picture of the situation.

Of course, there are foundational truths that should not be diluted, but it is my observation that most disagreements don’t fall under that classification. Rather, most seem to be over a question of perspective or priorities, and these are subjective. You can only comprehend the bigger picture by listening to others, by understanding other perspectives.

The Four Levels of Listening

Mark Goulston and John Ullmen, in their book Real Influence, argue that, in order to exert influence, you must also be influenceable—which means hearing out others’ perspectives and ideas.

However, they don’t mean any type of listening; they describe four levels of listening:

avoidance listening, or listening without giving your attention to the speaker
defensive listening, or listening to respond
problem-solving listening, or listening to accomplish a task
connective listening, or listening to understand and build relationship

Goulston and Ullmen point out that if you are not willing to engage in connective (or conscious) listening, to hear others’ ideas and keep an open mind, your listeners are not likely to afford that consideration to you.

Seeing Conflict as a Growth Opportunity

This doesn’t mean that you need to abandon your own ideas; according to Goulston and Ullmen, “It involves not surrendering our judgment, but suspending it.”

You cannot properly evaluate an idea before you’ve truly understood it, and this requires attentive, conscious, connective listening—followed by the weighing of ideas to see to what extent, if any, you should adopt the new ideas.

Goulston and Ullmen, in their book Real Influence, say that connective listening “transforms conflicts into fertile ground where new ideas can take root.” Isn’t this what we need to see happen in our communities and country today?

I encourage you to begin practicing conscious, connective listening with the people around you today.

Take It Deeper

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

Interpersonal Communication, Our Blog

The Art of Listening

2017-05-292019-07-07 T. M. T.

By Tasha M. Troy

When I was living in S. Korea, I made a point of learning the language and using it whenever I had the opportunity. However, more than once, I walked into a shop and asked a question in (relatively) good Korean only to be answered by the wide-eyed shop keeper with a hand up in a “stop” gesture and “So-ree. No En-guh-lish-ee.” And that was the end of the conversation.

After this happened two or three times, I finally figured out the problem – the shopkeepers heard the language that they expected to hear. They were not actively listening to the words coming out of my mouth, so when they saw my white face, they assumed I would speak English. I adjusted my approach to start off with a Korean greeting in order to “warm up the ears” of the shopkeeper, which worked beautifully.

People hear what they expect to hear.

Admittedly, my case is a somewhat extreme example (though absolutely true); however, my observations indicate that we hear what we expect to hear, not necessarily what was actually said, especially when we are not actively and consciously listening.

Listening Filters

I see this with my clients time after time, and I’ve also seen it happen with friends and family. Many times participants in my training programs tell me they couldn’t focus on what a speaker said because they were distracted by their own opinions and views on the topic or by their perceptions of the speaker. Our biases interfere with our ability to listen accurately.

Julian Treasure, a sound and listening expert, calls these biases “filters,” which most often unconsciously determine where we place our listening attention, and so determine our sense of reality. In his TED Talk “Five Ways to Listen Better,” he references culture, language, values, beliefs, attitudes, expectations, and intentions as filters that can interfere with listening.

It seems to me that these filters encompass just about all of the essentials of life! So how can we ever begin to understand people, especially when we disagree?

Connective Listening

In their book Real Influence, Mark Goulston and John Ullmen call the highest level of listening “connective listening.” This is listening to understand and build rapport; your intention at this level is not even in solving a problem but to get underneath the surface of what the person is sharing. According to Goulston and Ullmen, “It’s listening without an agenda, because you’re not focused on responding or even on helping.” Only after fully understanding the situation can solutions be explored.

Of course, these things are very difficult to do when you are speaking with someone approaching the issue from a very different perspective. Effective connective listening does not happen when we are focused on our own position, our own ideas, our own “rightness.”

Eventually, connective listening requires both parties to view the situation from the other’s perspective. This is what makes listening an art. Empathy, kindness, integrity, trustworthiness, a willingness to suspend reactions – these are keys to open communication, and it starts with listening. Focus on the heart of what people are saying rather than on the words used to express those ideas, and ask questions to clarify when the words make the message unclear.

Take It Deeper

Just think, how could our lives and our communities be transformed if we simply began practicing connective listening?

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.