Interpersonal Communication, Leadership, Our Blog

But What If You’re Wrong? How Negative Feedback Changed Me for Good

By Tasha M. Troy

A few years ago, I experienced a misunderstanding and miscommunication with a student.  I worked with her for a few months but couldn’t understand why she was resistant to my instruction and feedback—seeming even uncooperative.

It wasn’t until I saw the mid-term student evaluation of instructors that I realized my own misperceptions regarding this student.  It turns out that she had gotten the impression that I disliked her on a personal level.  This quite upset me because it was both untrue and not the impression I aim to give my students.

When You’re Wrong, It’s Never Apparent Right Away

As the instructor, it was my responsibility to correct the situation; once I did, the final few months were very positive with this student.

If I had maintained my perception of myself as concerned about my students and hadn’t been open to discovering and correcting the misconceptions, the outcome for this student would not have been as positive.

Kathryn Schulz, in her TED Talk “On being wrong,” points out that being wrong feels like being right—until we realize our mistake.  We often get so wrapped up in our own perspective that we don’t consider the possibility that a different perspective might give a clearer picture of the situation.

Of course, there are foundational truths that should not be diluted, but it is my observation that most disagreements don’t fall under that classification.  Rather, most seem to be over a question of perspective or priorities, and these are subjective.  You can only comprehend the bigger picture by listening to others, by understanding other perspectives.

The Four Levels of Listening

Mark Goulston and John Ullmen, in their book Real Influence, argue that, in order to exert influence, you must also be influenceable—which means hearing out others’ perspectives and ideas.

However, they don’t mean any type of listening; they describe four levels of listening:

  1. avoidance listening, or listening without giving your attention to the speaker
  2. defensive listening, or listening to respond
  3. problem-solving listening, or listening to accomplish a task
  4. connective listening, or listening to understand and build relationship

Goulston and Ullmen point out that if you are not willing to engage in connective (or conscious) listening, to hear others’ ideas and keep an open mind, your listeners are not likely to afford that consideration to you.

Seeing Conflict as a Growth Opportunity

This doesn’t mean that you need to abandon your own ideas; according to Goulston and Ullmen, “It involves not surrendering our judgment, but suspending it.”

You cannot properly evaluate an idea before you’ve truly understood it, and this requires attentive, conscious, connective listening—followed by the weighing of ideas to see to what extent, if any, you should adopt the new ideas.

Goulston and Ullmen, in their book Real Influence, say that connective listening “transforms conflicts into fertile ground where new ideas can take root.”  Isn’t this what we need to see happen in our communities and country today?

I encourage you to begin practicing conscious, connective listening with the people around you today.

Take It Deeper

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

Leadership, Our Blog

Building Trust in the Marketplace Starts with Me

By Tasha M. Troy

Have you ever felt misunderstood, that you were being treated unfairly based on someone else’s misconception?

A few years ago when I was leading a rather large project, I lost the trust of my team.  I had made a few bad decisions, and about two-thirds through the 6-month project, the situation reached a crisis point.  I had to make great efforts (and to humble myself) in order to sufficiently regain their trust so that I could coach them through to completion.

When I lost their trust, their success was jeopardized.

 

The Center of Trust

What can you do to resolve such a situation and move forward?

The root of it all is an issue of trust; it became clear to me that my team did not trust me or my intentions.

Stephen M. R. Covey, son of the famed author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, says that today, “We are in a crisis of trust.”  Trust is truly a highly precious commodity that is in short supply today.

In his book The Speed of Trust, Covey describes “5 Waves of Trust” as ripples in a pond: self trust, relationship trust, organizational trust, market trust, and societal trust.

It all starts with the individual: to what extent are you a trustworthy and credible person?

 

Two Elements of Trust

Covey goes on to say that “trust is a function of two things: character and competence.”  It seems to me that most people spend a lot of time and energy on developing their competence—pursuing advanced degrees and certifications, building their skills and expertise on the job—but few pay attention to building their character.

Character has its source in our daily decisions, which forms our habits.  The bottom line is that every day we can choose to make any situation better or worse.  If we consistently choose to make the situation better, we build the habits that lead to strong character.  However, if we consistently choose to make the situation worse (including choosing inaction), we build the habits that lead to weak character.

 

Developing Self-Trust

The first wave of trust, according to Mr. Covey, is self-trust, by which he means personal credibility.  Are you able to trust yourself?  If you cannot trust yourself, no one else will be able to trust you.

I find this closely related to self-discipline.  So many times, we hold ourselves to commitments made to others, but neglect the commitments made to ourselves.  How many times have you made the same New Year’s resolutions yet failed to keep them?

Every day you can choose to keep your commitment to yourself or you can choose to break it, choices that form your character and either establish or corrode your self-trust.

If you want to grow in the area of trust, Mr. Covey suggests starting with your commitments to yourself.  For me, this means getting up when my alarm goes off the first time, the time I intended to get up, and developing healthier habits.

Take It Deeper

What about you?  What commitments to yourself are you going to follow through on this week?

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

Leadership, Our Blog

Finding Your Strengths: A Powerful Key to Finding Your Purpose

By Tasha M. Troy

I have a friend with an undergraduate degree in music.  I heard him once say that he was only a mediocre flutist but that he was able to outperform many of his classmates.  The secret?  He had to work hard just to keep up, but those with more natural talent chose to coast along.  In the end, he graduated a better performer.

Experts in human potential say that you should develop your strengths, not your weaknesses.  This seems counter intuitive to most; we think we should try to do better what we don’t do well.  However, the truth is you will only really shine in areas of strength, but you will never reach your full potential until you invest the time and energy to grow in your areas of raw talent.  Just like my friend’s classmates, if you choose not to grow in those areas, you will never truly excel or discover  your purpose.

John Maxwell says that we “should get out of [our] comfort zone but stay in [our] strength zone,” but this assumes we know what our strengths are.

 

Discovering Our Strengths

I have just recently taken the Gallup StrengthsFinders assessment, and it seems a very useful tool, especially for those who may be less introspective or reflective of themselves.

If you aren’t familiar with StrengthsFinders, let me give just a brief overview.

  1. It measures your talents, not your strengths, but reveals where you have the potential to develop a strength.
  2. It identifies your 5 most prominent talents, “what’s right with people,” from a list of 34.
  3. This assessment actively discourages introspection!  You are given only 20 seconds to answer each question.

Putting Strengths to Work

Because I am a highly reflective person, the results of my assessment weren’t tremendously surprising to me, but they have provided some interesting insights.  What it has done is given me a framework to help me in ways perhaps not intended by the designers.

It is intended to provide teams with insights so that they can build around complimentary strengths, but at the moment I am a “solo-preneur” without a team.  I have to fill every role, whether I am talented at it or not.

As an example, I know I need to get out and network in order to build my business.  One of the talents is called “woo” – winning others over – which seems an essential talent for networkers.  My father, who has never met a stranger, must have this talent, but I did not inherit it!  It is truly the opposite of my natural inclination – an introvert who would much rather sit with a book than mingle with the crowds.

In order to become a more outgoing and proactive networker, I have dug into the descriptions of my talents for elements that could compel me to approach people.  I have found one – the “developer” talent is “drawn toward people” for the purpose of helping them develop their talents.

I am now applying this talent insight to my networking approach; instead of looking at a room full of strangers, I choose to look at it as a room full of potential.  Using this new approach, I have been experiencing more positive results.

 

Take It Deeper

Where are your greatest strengths?  Which talents are you using, and which ones are you growing?

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

Cultural Intelligence, Leadership, Our Blog

Four Guidelines to Help Manage Workplace Diversity

By Tasha M. Troy

As I walked into the room, the three or four conversations subsided, and ten pairs of eyes turned to me expectantly.  It was the first day in an intensive six-month language and communication training program.  The individuals in the room spoke nine different languages and came from five different regions of the world.  It was my job not only to teach them the intricacies of professional English communication skills but also to create a mutually supportive community that could endure the six months together and beyond.

It is fairly easy to get along well with people who are very much like you.  The Law of Magnetism, from The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership by John Maxwell, states that you attract who you are.  However, in today’s globalized environment, it is more common to be in a room where there is little in common, at least on the surface.

I have observed that most people tend to avoid diversity assuming that under such circumstances, cohesion and community will be extraordinarily difficult if not impossible.  However, I personally have found that it is possible; my students and clients have often stated that the diversity of the group was a major asset, one of the key benefits of the program.

After years of working with ethnically, linguistically, and occupationally diverse groups, I have developed some guidelines to create a sense of community:

  1. Respect individual differences and strengths
  2. Set clear guidelines for appropriate behavior
  3. Present shared goals and shared mission regularly
  4. Provide opportunity for individual expression

 

What might this look like in a typical office setting?

Primarily, you have to verbalize each of these elements: respect for differences, guidelines, goals, and invitations for opinions.  It is important to act respectfully, but not everyone perceives respect in the same way, especially if they come from different cultural backgrounds.  Never assume that your good opinion is perceived and understood until you have explicitly stated it.

Speaking out your perceptions of strengths, enforcing guidelines, and reviewing goals is also very important.  John Maxwell says that “vision leaks”; when it is not regularly presented to your team, it will be forgotten until there is a problem.  Trust me – this is a time where “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure”!

Remember also that some personality traits and elements of cultural background hinder people from speaking up in meetings and other group settings.  Find ways to create smaller “task forces” for specific projects or take the time to schedule regular one-on-one meetings with your team members.

Working with a diverse team is one of the most rewarding things I have ever done, and when managed well, it can provide rich benefits to your team, your department, and your organization.      It takes a bit of extra effort, but the rewards far outweigh the costs!

 

Take It Deeper

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these weekly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

INTENTIONAL CONNECTION – A PATH TO INFLUENCE
Leadership, Our Blog

Intentional Connection – A Path to Influence

By Tasha M. Troy

A few years ago, while teaching in a professional development program, I had great difficulty in managing my class. There were two students in particular who were very resistant to my instruction and feedback, and I found myself growing more and more frustrated working with them.

Finally, at one point, through indirect channels, I learned that both students had gotten the impression that didn’t like them on a personal level, and this perception undermined any influence I might have had with them.

In order to create successful outcomes for them and for me, I had to put forth great effort to connect with them individually. Because of my efforts and their responsiveness, both were able to successfully complete the program and go on to further personal and professional accomplishments.

I have found that eight or nine out of ten people I work with will be naturally drawn to my personality and teaching style. John Maxwell’s Law of Magnetism states that “who you are is who you attract.” This creates a connection with most of training participants without much effort on my part.

 

What about those who don’t naturally connect?

I am learning to be more intentional about meeting participants who don’t naturally connect with me where they are – understanding their perspective and motivations, their goals and aspirations. In past years, I would do this as a response to a crisis; today I am much more proactive. I have found simply being intentional about greeting someone and asking about their weekend creates a stronger connection when one might not have formed naturally.

If you feel like you don’t have the influence in your life that you need, it may be time to learn to connect at a higher level. This has been the case for me. I have found the connecting principles and practices described by John Maxwell in his book Everyone Communicates Few Connect to be powerful tools for connecting with not only my students and clients but also with others in my life.

 

Take It Deeper

If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions on Fridays.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

 

 

Leadership, Our Blog

The Hedgehog and the Power of Purpose

By Tasha M. Troy

“The need for purpose is one the defining characteristics of human beings. Human beings crave purpose, and suffer serious psychological difficulties when we don’t have it. Purpose is a fundamental component of a fulfilling life.” – Dr. Steve Taylor

I was very fortunate to be raised in a family that encouraged me to pursue my vocation, what I now view as my purpose for life.  My mother and both of her parents were educators, and my sister and I were always encouraged to learn and grow.

In his book The 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth, John Maxwell describes three types of people (paraphrased):

  • those who don’t know their purpose
  • those who know their purpose but are not pursuing it
  • those who know their purpose and are living it

I have been fortunate to fall into the third category; I have always had a strong sense of purpose, even from my early days.  It has fueled most, if not all, of my accomplishments.

 

A People without Purpose

One of the things that makes me the saddest is when I encounter people who haven’t developed an understanding of their purpose or who aren’t pursuing their purpose. This can happen in a training setting, when the participants don’t have a clear vision of why they need the training, or in more casual conversations with colleagues and friends.

Dr. Steve Taylor describes purpose-driven people:

“When you’re ‘in purpose’ – that is, engaged with and working towards your purpose – life becomes easier, less complicated and stressful. You become more mono-focused, like an arrow flying towards its target, and your mind feels somehow taut and strong, with less space for negativity to seep in.”

Because I’ve been able to experience this personally, I have a passion for helping others achieve this same clarity.  So much of the indecision that plagues individuals – and organizations – can be removed through this clarity.  It lends power and momentum to your actions.

 

Finding Your Purpose

If you don’t feel like you have found your purpose, there is good news! You are meant to find your purpose! It can be found!

In his book Good to Great, Jim Collins talks about the Hedgehog Concept, the idea of reducing the complexity of your options to a simple focus on the intersection of three “circles”:

  • What you can be the best at
  • What drives your economic engine
  • What you are deeply passionate about

While originally applied to organizations, I believe this concept can be applied on a smaller scale, even to individuals.

  • What your primary talents and strengths are
  • What people will pay you to do
  • What you are deeply passionate about

Find the intersection of these three circles, and you have found your personal Hedgehog Concept, your purpose.

 

Take It Deeper

If you feel that you haven’t yet found your purpose, or if you are at a crossroads and uncertain of your path forward, I highly encourage you to explore your own Hedgehog concept. You owe it to yourself and the people within your sphere of influence to discover and embrace the purpose for your life!

If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions on Fridays.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

 

References:

Collins, J. Good to Great. (2001). pp. 94-101.

Maxwell, J. (2012). The Fifteen Invaluable Laws of Growth. p. 18

Taylor, S. (2013). The Power of Purpose. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/out-the-darkness/201307/the-power-purpose