Interpersonal Communication, Leadership, Our Blog

Empathy: What the World Needs Now

By Tasha M. Troy

The world today seems a much scarier place than it did 15 or 20 years ago. The culture in the US has shifted in ways that create isolation and frustration to dangerous levels, and we see the results in tragedies over and over again.

And I haven’t had to look at the headlines to see it.  I’ve found this lack of empathy in the lives of the people around me.

The truth is that humanity is wired to be self-centered.  We all naturally see the world in relation to how it affects us and make decisions based on perceived personal benefit.  In the US, with our high value for individualism, this tendency has been given free rein, with occasional catastrophic results.

However, when these tragedies happen, most voices are calling out for “remedies” that seem superficial to me.  I believe the root cause is that people have not developed empathy, or the ability to see the world from another’s perspective.

 

Personal Maturity

A mark of personal maturity is the ability to put others first, to consider their needs before you consider your own.  In generations past, this quality was valued and celebrated.  In our culture today, people are both ridiculed and praised for this level of maturity.

  • People are often considered a “doormat” or accused of being naïve at best, a fool at worst, when they put others first.
  • People may be praised as heroic or as a respected leader when they put the needs of others first, especially in a crisis.

This maturity level goes by several different labels:  an element emotional intelligence, the key characteristic of level 5 leadership, the foundation of connective influence

However, it seems to me that developing this level of maturity depends on whether you have a scarcity mindset.  John Maxwell says, “Scarcity thinking is all about me.  It says, ‘There’s not enough to go around.  I had better get something for myself and hold on to it with all I have’” (Maxwell, 226).

With this mindset, it is impossible to think of others and to put their needs first.  If we want to develop empathy, we have to start by replacing our scarcity mindset.

 

Combating Scarcity Thinking

Could it really be that simple?  I believe so.

I once heard, long ago, that the founder of the JC Penny stores was a generous man who tried to out-give God, so I looked a little into his life.  I discovered that the original name of his store was “The Golden Rule,” and he conducted business under that philosophy: “This company’s success is due to the application of the Golden Rule to every individual, the public and to all of our activities” (Barmash).

When he died, he was a very wealthy and successful businessman, in spite of having been wiped out during the Depression.  One of his applications of this principle was in how he treated his employees, whom he referred to as associates, by implementing a profit sharing plan.

There are other examples we can look at – C. J. Walker, Oprah Winfrey and Bill Gates, to name a few – to find that an abundance mindset can make all the difference.

“Abundance thinking is the mindset of people of significance, and it has nothing to do with how much they have. … But whatever they have, they are willing to share because they don’t worry about running out” (Maxwell, 227).  This is the mindset necessary to develop empathy.

If you want to begin cultivating an abundance mindset in your own life, start with gratitude.  I challenge you to daily write down three to five things you are grateful for in your life.  Before long, you will begin to see the world through a different lens – the lens of abundance.

 

Take It Deeper

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

 

Works Cited:

Barmash, I. (1971) J. C. Penney of Store Chain Dies; Built Business on ‘Golden Rule.’ The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/1971/02/13/archives/j-c-penney-of-store-chain-dies-built-business-on-golden-rule-j-c.html

Collins, J.  (2001).  Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap . . . and Others Don’t.

Goleman, D. (2005) Emotional Intelligence

Goulston, M. and Ullmen, J.  (2013).  Real Influence: Persuade without Pushing and Gain without Giving In.

Maxwell, J. C. (2015) Intentional Living: Choosing a Life that Matters.

Interpersonal Communication, Leadership, Our Blog

A Process for When Conflict Comes Along

I was recently asked how someone could deal with a person who dominated a conversation, never pausing long enough to let anyone else “get a word in edgewise.”  She had recently been at a dinner party where this had happened, and she had been quite at a loss as how to address the problem

We have all faced similar situations, where it isn’t clear what the best way to resolve the situation may be.  What I find is that many people are haven’t had the training to know how to address these situations.

Conflict is inevitable.  It is not possible that you will be in harmony with everyone around you at all times.  Whenever there are two or more people working together, there will be disagreement and conflict.

It is how we respond (or react) to conflict that defines our relationships. 

The authors of Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stakes Are High summed up the dilemma as “how can I be 100% honest … and 100% respectful?” (p. 22).  The question comes down to the “nature vs. nurture” debate, whether some people are born as natural conflict resolvers or whether these are skills that can be learned.

 

A Process for Resolving Conflict

I believe that conflict management is a skill that can be learned, a key element of emotional intelligence, and the sooner we learn how to address these conflicts constructively, the better:

Whenever I think about resolving a conflict, I always go back to “The 5 Core Concerns,” one of which is autonomy.  The best resolution will be one in which all parties have a say.

In his book Good Leaders Ask Great Questions (p. 175-177), John Maxwell describes the process he uses to address problematic behavior, which meets this need for autonomy:

  • Meet privately ASAP to discuss their behavior
  • Ask for their side of the story
  • Try to come to a place of agreement
  • Set out a future course of action with a deadline
  • Validate the value of the person and express your commitment to help

 

Walking Out the Process

I have walked through this situation myself when someone I am leading is having difficulty.

  • Whenever I need to confront someone, I make sure the conversation is one-on-one.
  • I allow time for them to express their position and point of view.
  • I help them see the impact of not changing their behavior.
  • I let them express how they intend to do things differently and hold them to it.
  • Throughout the conversation, I am careful express hope that the person can change their behavior and meet expectations.

By following this process, I see change happen, even if it is slow in coming.

In the past, I didn’t always follow this process.  The result was defensiveness and stubborn refusal to change.  Today, the results are much more positive.

If I – an introvert who avoids conflict – can learn this skill, so can you!

100% honest.  100% respectful.

 

Take It Deeper

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

Leadership, Our Blog

A New Year, a Clean Slate, a Fresh Start

January always seems to hold promise for me.  I’m sure you’ve felt the same way, too.

For the past few years, I have made time during the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day to take an inventory of where I have been and where I need to go to live out my purpose and achieve my dreams.  However, sometimes I am too action oriented and forget to plan time to invest in myself.

When you have the desire and drive to have more, do more, be more, you have to first become the person who can accomplish those things.  You have to “add value” to yourself, as John Maxwell puts it.  You cannot produce more unless you invest in yourself first.

This is where a lot of people fall short, myself included.  We often don’t see the point of investing in ourselves when there are so many other voices crying for our time and attention.  However, you have to understand that you cannot give what you do not have.  If you don’t invest in yourself first, you won’t have anything of value to give those who are depending on you.

 

The importance of small changes applied consistently.

If there is an area of your life you want to improve in, don’t underestimate the power of small shifts.  We often think that big results require big changes and action, but I have found that even small changes can have a disproportionately large impact on results.

Let me illustrate how investing in yourself can have a ripple effect.

  • Imagine you want to improve the team cohesion on a culturally and/or racially diverse team.
  • You decide to take the time to learn about cultural dimensions and the strengths of different cultures.
  • As a result, you begin to recognize and value individuals from various cultures for their strengths.
  • Finally, you can watch as your team follows you example and begins to respect and value each other for their strengths.

If you want to have more, do more, or be more, you have to first become more.  You must intentionally invest in yourself in order to become the person who can accomplish your hopes, dreams, and goals.

 

Take It Deeper

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net.

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

Leadership, Our Blog

Connecting Across the Generations

By Tasha M. Troy

Last week, I was leading a class discussion in my Business English class on branding. In the book was a list of top companies – McDonalds, Microsoft, GE, etc., all household names, or so I thought.

Then a young student asked me what kind of company IBM was. Wow! I felt old! This was one of those times when generational differences were very clear.

I am a member of Gen X, a smallish generation sandwiched between the larger generations of Millennials and Baby Boomers. What’s more, I’ve chosen a profession that regularly puts me in contact with people of all three generations, especially Millennials. What has made it possible for me to be successful in this environment?

 

Intentional Connection

At the beginning of each new course I teach, I have to find ways to connect with my students, just as managers and company leaders must connect with their teams and employees, regardless of which generation they belong to. This is to ensure that we can all reach our goals, individually and collectively.

For many years, I assumed it was the responsibility of the students to follow my lead, but upon reading John Maxwell’s book The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership a few years ago, my perspective drastically changed. John says that “[successful leaders] take the first step with others and then make the effort to continue building relationships” (p. 119). This struck me hard.

I had always just accepted that some of my students will naturally connect with me and others won’t. The paradigm shift for me was that I needed to intentionally reach out to those who didn’t naturally connect with me and establish the connection myself, no matter what generation they belonged to.

 

Keys to Connection

Here are several principles I now live by that enable me to connect with family members, friends, colleagues, and students from all different generations. Interestingly, they can be categorized according to Dan Shapiro’s 5 Core Concerns, the five key interests any individual has:

  • Appreciation:  Create a safe place for them to express opinions and views, and then listen to understand, suspending judgement until understanding is reached.
  • Autonomy:  Allow people to make mistakes, but be available to support them through the recovery.
  • Affiliation:  Find and build on common ground – shared values, goals, hobbies, interests, etc.
  • Status:  Respect people as individuals.
  • Role:  Recognize and encourage people’s strengths.

 

I have found that the secret to walking out these principles is asking the right questions. Show a genuine interest in others, and you will find it is often reciprocated back to you.

 

Take It Deeper

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start. If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net
If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

Interpersonal Communication, Leadership, Our Blog

Leadership Lessons from the Classroom

By Tasha M. Troy

Sometimes it’s hard for me to believe it’s been 20 years since I first started teaching.  I can tell you that my career hasn’t gone where I expected it to!

I remember my first year of teaching like it was yesterday.  It was an incredibly challenging year!  Boy, have I grown since then!

Over the years, I have taught every age level, from 5 years old to 65 years old, though most of my work has been with is the 20 – 50-year-old age range.  Through my experiences in the classroom, coupled with my more recent studies in leadership skills, I have learned a number of lessons that help me get a new class off on the right foot.  With the school year starting, I thought I’d share a few of these lessons.

While I learned these lessons by leading the classroom, they can apply to any team leadership situation.  All you have to do is exchange the word “students” for “employees” or “team members.”

 

1. Set clear expectations and define desired outcomes.

I know this sounds obvious, but for a long time I didn’t do this with every class.  Now I try to do it with every class session.  When people don’t have to wonder about what you are aiming for, they are more likely to succeed.

 

2. Let people know the benefit you expect them to gain from a given assignment.

This is related to the first point, and something I found extremely important when working with busy adults.  People despise busy work and will resist any assignment that seems to have no point.  I choose to respect my students by always having a long-term purpose for their assignments, but when I communicate that purpose, I gain more concrete buy-in.

 

3. Respect individual differences and look for their unique strengths.

I like to say that everyone has unique strengths and weaknesses, and by working together, we can balance each other out.  The classroom is no different. It affirms the individual and models respect for differences.  In fact, I have my students work in groups very often, and they quickly learn to appreciate each other.

 

4. No matter how accomplished, everyone needs praise and encouragement.

I will admit I was surprised to discover this, but in retrospect I shouldn’t have been.  Because I love learning so much, I forget that for many it is a vulnerable act to be under someone else’s tutelage.  When working with adults, I have often had students I found intimidating, but they were just as hungry to know they were doing a good job as any other student.

 

5. Be gentle when giving critical feedback or delivering low grades.

This one I should have learned firsthand as a student myself, but it became essential to my teaching style when working with high-performing adults.  So often we tie our identity and self-worth to our accomplishments, and when we are confronted with evidence that we are not as competent in an area as we thought, it can be devastating.  Children are no different from adults in the respect.

 

6. Meet people where they are, but believe they will rise to the occasion.

Everyone is in a process of becoming.  There have been so many times when I’ve been super concerned about a student preparing deliver a speech or a project, but they pull through and deliver more than I expected just about every time.

 

7. Don’t assume that what is obvious to you is obvious to all.

This is one of the hardest lessons to learn, and I have to keep this fresh in my mind.  You can’t assume that people see things the way you do, whether it is the purpose for an assignment or the potential of the individual.  You have to clearly and directly communicate these things, assuming nothing.

 

Take It Deeper

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

 

Leadership, Our Blog

When the Future Becomes the Present

By Tasha M. Troy

Last week I attended a briefing at a local think tank dedicated to international security issues.  It was an update and overview of the Coast Guard delivered by the commander of the Coast Guard.

While I learned several interesting things about the work and challenges of the Coast Guard, what really struck me was how well-spoken the admiral was.  He gave a clear briefing and answered a number of questions, all without consulting notes.

I know from experience that deep knowledge of a topic doesn’t automatically translate into strong presentation skills, and it was clear to me that he had developed his public speaking skills over a period of time.  I suspect he began working on those skills long before he achieved his position as commander of the Coast Guard, a position that I can imagine requires a lot of public speaking.

 

Hindsight in a Foresight Position

Long ago when I was in college, a wise man once told me to have “hindsight in a foresight position.”  We all know the saying that hindsight is 20/20; his challenge was to imagine what we wanted to remember at the end of any particular season.  This concept has stayed with me my entire adult life and has helped to fuel my success.

Many times when I’ve been training people in leading discussions and meetings, I’ve gotten a lot of pushback.  The participants say things like, “I’m not going to be leading meetings; I don’t need to know this.”  My response is always the same: “You never know where life is going to take you.”  Anything less comes across as short-sighted.

A quick Google search shows that somewhere around 60-80% of new managers fail to some degree.  This tells me that they – like most of us – failed to prepare for future possibilities until the future became the present.  When the opportunity presents itself, it is too late to begin preparing.

Even I didn’t do so well in my first leadership positions, and there was no one to help me figure out what I was missing.  This was one time my “foresight” failed me.  I didn’t know leadership was something that could be studied and applied.  Now I know better and invest time and energy in preparing for what’s next, even if I can’t see clearly what that might be.

 

Benefits of Personal Leadership Development

John Maxwell says that the measure of leadership is influence.  I have found that as my leadership skills have improved, the influence I have on those around me has increased.

  • It has changed the way I approach teaching my classes and interacting with those who report to me.
  • It has enabled me to see when a work environment no longer serves me, nor I it.
  • It has opened opportunities for me to coach friends and family through big life decisions.

The only downside I have found is that I now live with an increasing tension between who I am becoming and how others perceive me.  They don’t always line up, and I tend to get impatient as I experience growing pains.  However, I know this tension keeps me moving in the direction of my dreams and goals.

 

Take It Deeper

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

Leadership, Our Blog

The One Thing that Helped Me Move to a New Professional Level

By Tasha M. Troy

I’m sure we all know someone who is never satisfied with simply doing a good job; they have to reach higher and go “above and beyond the call of duty.”  In fact, that might be you!

Even as a child, I had a drive to excel, stemming in part from a perfectionist tendency in my personality.  I have been fortunate to be surrounded with people with similar drives for most of my life.

 

The Pain of Discontent

However, just a few years ago, I was no longer content with the reach of my influence.  I wanted more.

  • After coaching hundreds of training participants to give presentations, I wanted to give my own presentations.
  • After training clients in negotiation strategies, I wanted to help those people in my life who needed the same training.
  • After helping trainees gain a greater clarity in cross-cultural situations, I wanted to expand my circle and help even more people gain that clarity.

 

I decided to take my personal and professional development to a new level.  I am an avid reader, so of course I started reading up in the areas of leadership, influence, and negotiation, but I wasn’t always able to implement that learning in my environment.

I had been in a particular role at work for several years, and it appeared that I had grown to the extent that my environment would allow. When I reached the end of my own ability to grow where I was, the tension I felt caused that hunger I felt to become even stronger.

That’s when I decided to hire a personal career coach.

 

Benefits of Coaching

While working with a personal coach didn’t make all the obstacles disappear, it did help me gain perspective and stop overthinking decisions.  Through my growing awareness in the coaching sessions, I gained the confidence to push out of my comfort zone and to step out into new areas.  I haven’t looked back.

In fact, one of the first things I learned through being coached was how much coaching I did with those who report to me.  I often believe in their potential before they do, and it is one of my greatest joys to guide them into living from a place of strength and confidence.

Today, as I continue to work with a coach, the partnership serves me in several ways:

  • It provides an outside perspective for making decisions.
  • It serves as a sounding board and creative thinking partner for thinking through projects.
  • It challenges my assumptions when trying to make sense of situations.
  • It reminds me of my accomplishments when I feel bad about my progress.
  • It provides accountability as I am pursing my goals.

 

Is Coaching for You?

Coaching isn’t for everyone.  Many people are discontented with their situation and want to see things change.  However, I believe it was Tony Robbins who said that “change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.”  Until you reach that threshold, change will not happen.  Have you?

If you have been reading my blog and felt a growing desire to move forward in the areas of professional communication, leadership, and intercultural intelligence skills, I invite you to explore what a coaching partnership could mean for you.

 

Take It Deeper

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

To learn more about executive or career coaching, check out this article from the Harvard Business Review:  What Coaches Can Do for You.

 

Cultural Intelligence, Leadership, Our Blog

The Magic Key to Influence

By Tasha M. Troy

How often do you open up to someone who clearly isn’t interested in your perspective?  For me, it is never.  That is why showing “mutual respect” is one of my foundational values.

For many years, my classrooms have had a high level of cultural diversity.  That’s the nature of the field of teaching I went into.  At one point, out of a class of 12 or 15 students, I had 8 or 9 languages and nationalities and at least 3 religions represented.

Respect in the Classroom

In order to create a flourishing learning community, I have to establish mutual respect.

As the instructor, I set the example for respect:

  • I respect their time by not assigning “busy work.”
  • I respect their personal goals, as distinct from the training program goals.
  • I respect the time and effort they have already invested to achieve whatever level of success they’ve achieved.

In turn, I expect them to respect me as their instructor and to trust my judgment and expertise, and I expect them to respect each other for who they are.

Respect in the Real World

Outside the teaching environment, I continue to endeavor to live out this value of respect.

  • When a friend makes an outlandish comment, I ask for clarification before challenging their assumptions.
  • I accept that people think differently and have dramatically different perspectives from me, and I can accept that they are still good people regardless of our point of disagreement.
  • I recognize that my priorities are not another’s priorities, and I choose not to get upset by that.
  • I choose not to take it personally when someone attacks a belief or position I hold. (Ok, I’m still working on this one!)

When we start from a place of respect, we open the door to progress on the issues that matter most to us.

We all come to the issues of our day from different perspectives, by different routes.  We must respect the journey others have taken if we want to have influence with them.

 

Take It Deeper

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

Cultural Intelligence, Interpersonal Communication, Leadership, Our Blog

The Secrets to Connecting with People at Work and Beyond

By Tasha M. Troy

It is difficult to describe what I do in just a sentence or two:

  • Do I provide professional communication skills training?
  • Do I coach people in cross-cultural situations and environments?
  • Do I develop leaders?

The answer to each of these questions is “YES!” Modern leadership of any sort is becoming more demanding.  Position is not enough.  You need a whole suite of skills. Our focus at Troy Communications is at the intersection of each of three distinct fields: professional communication, leadership, and cultural intelligence.

Professional Communication Skills: 

For over 10 years, I have worked in professional development programs, equipping adults with the skills needed for workplace success – giving effective and engaging presentations, participating in and leading discussions and meetings, preparing for and engaging in negotiations.

While the participants in these programs have all been non-native English speakers, I have come to recognize that many of these skills are lacking among native English speakers as well.  There is power in being able to communicate clearly and effectively, and I am passionate about empowering people through communication, no matter their role.

Leadership Skills:

In 2014, I decided to partner with one of the world’s top leadership experts when I joined the John Maxwell Team.  I didn’t realize how little I understood leadership until I read his 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership.  Twice.

Dr. Maxwell promotes a style of leadership that is interested in the personal and professional development of those under the leader’s authority, making it an others-focused leadership.  The book changed the way I teach.  Instead of focusing only on language and communication development, I also endeavor to instill sound leadership principles into my teaching style and my lessons.

Cultural Intelligence Skills:

While my entire career has been in cross-cultural settings, in early 2016, I stumbled upon the field of CQ, or cultural intelligence.  Since the 80s, I’ve learned many skills and principles of cross-cultural competence through both studies and experience, and it has even been an element of the language and communication courses I’ve taught for the past several years.

What I discovered with CQ was a way to go deeper, a framework for assessing intercultural effectiveness and identifying areas for continued development, in myself and in those I am training.

Where these three fields intersect could be called “The Communication Skills of Culturally Intelligent Leadership.”

Starting with a personal awareness combined with understanding key principles from each of the three fields, we aim to develop effective leaders for our globalized and multicultural society, whether it is an international businessman or a grassroots political activist.  When we learn to connect with each other across dividing lines, we all win.

  • Take It Deeper

  • Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net
  • If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.
Interpersonal Communication, Leadership, Our Blog

Connecting Across the Aisle: How to Talk with Family, Friends, and Colleagues about the Issues that Divide Us

By Tasha M. Troy

In early November 2016, I went in to work as usual and encountered a coworker who was quite distressed.  She was very concerned about what it might mean if Donald Trump actually won the US presidency in the quickly approaching election; I had concerns of my own about the election.  As I sat to talk with her, I had a very uneasy feeling about discussing political views so openly when I knew there were differences between us.

Despite our political differences, we are still friends.

Connective Conversations

It used to be that politics was a shunned topic.  People understood it could be divisive and so, unless there were pertinent reasons to bring it up, it was largely avoided.

Then 2016 happened, bringing political divisions to the surface and into our daily conversations.

Today, sometimes it seems that politics is all anyone wants to talk about.  Now, I live in the Washington, DC, area, so politics is always a common topic here.  However, I’m seeing social media posts from friends and family all over the country, and even overseas, making sure the world is aware of their political views and positions.

Surrounded by Diversity of Thought

I am blessed to have friends, family, and colleagues who embrace many political positions.

  • A friend from work still declares that he’s “with her.”
  • A friend from college “still feels the Bern.”
  • A friend from church is working to “make America great again.”

These are people that I am happy to have in my life, regardless of their political position.  They are caring and intelligent people, every one, and it would be a great slander to “demonize” them as “other” just for their political views.  In fact, I find that I agree with each of them on certain points, just as I disagree with each of them on certain points.

One thing I have learned through my years of interacting with people from all different backgrounds and walks of life: People take positions for reasons that make sense to them.  I believe that where the communication breakdown often happens is we discuss conclusions, not reasons.

There is always an internal logic behind beliefs and decisions.

Where Angels Fear to Tread

When I feel it is important to discuss the issues of the day, I have found it is essential to choose my engagements carefully.  The conversation with my colleague worked out because she was open to my perspective.  We had already established a strong rapport and we respected each other.  I haven’t been able to have similar conversations with everyone in my circle.

When I discover someone is entrenched in their views, I don’t engage in conversation or discussion with them on that topic.  The few times I have, I have come away feeling slighted or insulted.  Instead of threatening the relationship by engaging in a “battle” I can’t win, I simply listen and walk away.

Sometimes people just need to feel heard, and I am ok with that.  At the very least, I begin to understand them at a deeper level, and it helps to build trust.

Seeking Common Ground

When engagement does happen, I try to follow John Maxwell’s 101% Principle – I find the common ground and build from there.

Common ground?  With THEM?!

Yes.

If you think there is no common ground between Republicans and Democrats (or other political positions), you are sorely mistaken.  I often find people from opposing sides have the same goals and aspirations.  While I realize that there are some out there with a distinct agenda, the disagreement among most is usually in the prioritization and implementation of achieving those similar and shared goals.

Tasha’s Tips for Controversial Conversations

Starting the Conversation:

When I want to intentionally connect with someone, especially over controversial topics, I start by asking, not telling.

  • What is their position?
  • What led them to that position?
    • Their experiences?
    • Their background knowledge/ studies?
    • Their values (personal/ religious)?

Then I listen to understand, only asking clarification questions.  This also gives me a chance to determine whether my friend is open to me sharing my perspective.

Remember – these are cross-cultural conversations!  The perspectives and views may be wildly different from your own.  Take time to understand where someone is coming from before you try to explain your own perspective and views.

Maintaining the Conversation:

Establish some ground rules to keep the conversation going in a positive direction.

  1. Both parties must be interested in conversation, not grandstanding or soap boxing.
  2. Emotions must be kept in check. If you or the other person starts feeling like you want to scream, it’s time to step back from the conversation for a little bit.  And don’t be surprised when this happens.
  3. Always communicate with respect and clarity. The authors of Crucial Conversations say that you need to be 100% honest and 100% respectful[1].
  4. You and the person you are talking with came to your conclusions by different logical paths. Share the information you gathered on that journey so that you have a more complete picture of reality.

The Third Side

Most political disputes assume a black and white approach, but so much of life cannot be so sharply divided.  When we embrace binary options, we all lose.  There is always a third option, a collaborative solution that is possible.  Are we willing to do the hard work needed to find it?

Take It Deeper

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

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Reference:

Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking when Stakes Are High, by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler.

[1] p. 22