Interpersonal Communication, Leadership, Our Blog

But What If You’re Wrong? How Negative Feedback Changed Me for Good

By Tasha M. Troy

A few years ago, I experienced a misunderstanding and miscommunication with a student.  I worked with her for a few months but couldn’t understand why she was resistant to my instruction and feedback—seeming even uncooperative.

It wasn’t until I saw the mid-term student evaluation of instructors that I realized my own misperceptions regarding this student.  It turns out that she had gotten the impression that I disliked her on a personal level.  This quite upset me because it was both untrue and not the impression I aim to give my students.

When You’re Wrong, It’s Never Apparent Right Away

As the instructor, it was my responsibility to correct the situation; once I did, the final few months were very positive with this student.

If I had maintained my perception of myself as concerned about my students and hadn’t been open to discovering and correcting the misconceptions, the outcome for this student would not have been as positive.

Kathryn Schulz, in her TED Talk “On being wrong,” points out that being wrong feels like being right—until we realize our mistake.  We often get so wrapped up in our own perspective that we don’t consider the possibility that a different perspective might give a clearer picture of the situation.

Of course, there are foundational truths that should not be diluted, but it is my observation that most disagreements don’t fall under that classification.  Rather, most seem to be over a question of perspective or priorities, and these are subjective.  You can only comprehend the bigger picture by listening to others, by understanding other perspectives.

The Four Levels of Listening

Mark Goulston and John Ullmen, in their book Real Influence, argue that, in order to exert influence, you must also be influenceable—which means hearing out others’ perspectives and ideas.

However, they don’t mean any type of listening; they describe four levels of listening:

  1. avoidance listening, or listening without giving your attention to the speaker
  2. defensive listening, or listening to respond
  3. problem-solving listening, or listening to accomplish a task
  4. connective listening, or listening to understand and build relationship

Goulston and Ullmen point out that if you are not willing to engage in connective (or conscious) listening, to hear others’ ideas and keep an open mind, your listeners are not likely to afford that consideration to you.

Seeing Conflict as a Growth Opportunity

This doesn’t mean that you need to abandon your own ideas; according to Goulston and Ullmen, “It involves not surrendering our judgment, but suspending it.”

You cannot properly evaluate an idea before you’ve truly understood it, and this requires attentive, conscious, connective listening—followed by the weighing of ideas to see to what extent, if any, you should adopt the new ideas.

Goulston and Ullmen, in their book Real Influence, say that connective listening “transforms conflicts into fertile ground where new ideas can take root.”  Isn’t this what we need to see happen in our communities and country today?

I encourage you to begin practicing conscious, connective listening with the people around you today.

Take It Deeper

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

Interpersonal Communication, Our Blog

The Art of Listening

By Tasha M. Troy

When I was living in S. Korea, I made a point of learning the language and using it whenever I had the opportunity.  However, more than once, I walked into a shop and asked a question in (relatively) good Korean only to be answered by the wide-eyed shop keeper with a hand up in a “stop” gesture and “So-ree.  No En-guh-lish-ee.”  And that was the end of the conversation.

After this happened two or three times, I finally figured out the problem – the shopkeepers heard the language that they expected to hear.  They were not actively listening to the words coming out of my mouth, so when they saw my white face, they assumed I would speak English.  I adjusted my approach to start off with a Korean greeting in order to “warm up the ears” of the shopkeeper, which worked beautifully.

 

People hear what they expect to hear.  

Admittedly, my case is a somewhat extreme example (though absolutely true); however, my observations indicate that we hear what we expect to hear, not necessarily what was actually said, especially when we are not actively and consciously listening.

Listening Filters

I see this with my clients time after time, and I’ve also seen it happen with friends and family.  Many times participants in my training programs tell me they couldn’t focus on what a speaker said because they were distracted by their own opinions and views on the topic or by their perceptions of the speaker.  Our biases interfere with our ability to listen accurately.

Julian Treasure, a sound and listening expert, calls these biases “filters,” which most often unconsciously determine where we place our listening attention, and so determine our sense of reality.  In his TED Talk “Five Ways to Listen Better,” he references culture, language, values, beliefs, attitudes, expectations, and intentions as filters that can interfere with listening.

It seems to me that these filters encompass just about all of the essentials of life!  So how can we ever begin to understand people, especially when we disagree?

 

Connective Listening

In their book Real Influence, Mark Goulston and John Ullmen call the highest level of listening “connective listening.”  This is listening to understand and build rapport; your intention at this level is not even in solving a problem but to get underneath the surface of what the person is sharing.  According to Goulston and Ullmen, “It’s listening without an agenda, because you’re not focused on responding or even on helping.”  Only after fully understanding the situation can solutions be explored.

Of course, these things are very difficult to do when you are speaking with someone approaching the issue from a very different perspective.  Effective connective listening does not happen when we are focused on our own position, our own ideas, our own “rightness.”

Eventually, connective listening requires both parties to view the situation from the other’s perspective.  This is what makes listening an art.  Empathy, kindness, integrity, trustworthiness, a willingness to suspend reactions – these are keys to open communication, and it starts with listening.  Focus on the heart of what people are saying rather than on the words used to express those ideas, and ask questions to clarify when the words make the message unclear.

 

Take It Deeper

Just think, how could our lives and our communities be transformed if we simply began practicing connective listening?

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.