Category: Interpersonal Communication

Interpersonal Communication, Leadership, Our Blog

Leadership Lessons from the Classroom

T. M. T.

By Tasha M. Troy

Sometimes it’s hard for me to believe it’s been 20 years since I first started teaching.  I can tell you that my career hasn’t gone where I expected it to!

I remember my first year of teaching like it was yesterday.  It was an incredibly challenging year!  Boy, have I grown since then!

Over the years, I have taught every age level, from 5 years old to 65 years old, though most of my work has been with is the 20 – 50-year-old age range.  Through my experiences in the classroom, coupled with my more recent studies in leadership skills, I have learned a number of lessons that help me get a new class off on the right foot.  With the school year starting, I thought I’d share a few of these lessons.

While I learned these lessons by leading the classroom, they can apply to any team leadership situation.  All you have to do is exchange the word “students” for “employees” or “team members.”

 

1. Set clear expectations and define desired outcomes.

I know this sounds obvious, but for a long time I didn’t do this with every class.  Now I try to do it with every class session.  When people don’t have to wonder about what you are aiming for, they are more likely to succeed.

 

2. Let people know the benefit you expect them to gain from a given assignment.

This is related to the first point, and something I found extremely important when working with busy adults.  People despise busy work and will resist any assignment that seems to have no point.  I choose to respect my students by always having a long-term purpose for their assignments, but when I communicate that purpose, I gain more concrete buy-in.

 

3. Respect individual differences and look for their unique strengths.

I like to say that everyone has unique strengths and weaknesses, and by working together, we can balance each other out.  The classroom is no different. It affirms the individual and models respect for differences.  In fact, I have my students work in groups very often, and they quickly learn to appreciate each other.

 

4. No matter how accomplished, everyone needs praise and encouragement.

I will admit I was surprised to discover this, but in retrospect I shouldn’t have been.  Because I love learning so much, I forget that for many it is a vulnerable act to be under someone else’s tutelage.  When working with adults, I have often had students I found intimidating, but they were just as hungry to know they were doing a good job as any other student.

 

5. Be gentle when giving critical feedback or delivering low grades.

This one I should have learned firsthand as a student myself, but it became essential to my teaching style when working with high-performing adults.  So often we tie our identity and self-worth to our accomplishments, and when we are confronted with evidence that we are not as competent in an area as we thought, it can be devastating.  Children are no different from adults in the respect.

 

6. Meet people where they are, but believe they will rise to the occasion.

Everyone is in a process of becoming.  There have been so many times when I’ve been super concerned about a student preparing deliver a speech or a project, but they pull through and deliver more than I expected just about every time.

 

7. Don’t assume that what is obvious to you is obvious to all.

This is one of the hardest lessons to learn, and I have to keep this fresh in my mind.  You can’t assume that people see things the way you do, whether it is the purpose for an assignment or the potential of the individual.  You have to clearly and directly communicate these things, assuming nothing.

 

Take It Deeper

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

 

Interpersonal Communication, Our Blog

Four Steps to Greater Influence

T. M. T.

By Tasha M. Troy

Recently I was asked what would help someone become more persuasive.  The answer I gave may have seemed simplistic or counter intuitive, but I’ve found it to be essential for myself in having influence without position and persuasion without pressure, particularly in the cross-cultural settings I usually find myself in.

If you are interested in influence in “disposable” relationships, there are a number of manipulative strategies out there; a simple Google search of “how to persuade” brings back over 38 million results!  However, if you are looking for more lasting results, I would like to share four steps that you can take.

Because these steps are unilateral, you have to consider them as investments rather than exchanges.  Once you’ve made enough of an investment into any one individual, it will eventually become an exchange, but if your focus is on the exchange, you will likely become discouraged and frustrated.

If it is an investment, you should expect it to take time to generate a return.  Executed with consistency, these steps will establish you as a “go-to” person, a reliable ally when things are difficult.

1. Listen to Understand

The most powerful tool I have found in building rapport with anyone is simply listening.  Not listening to fix or to respond, but listening to truly understand where another person is coming from.  This one action alone has established me as the one person in my family that is trusted to get through to the other members.

Effective listening at this level does not happen when we are focused on our own position, our own ideas, our own “rightness.”  We have to set that all aside and truly focus in on where the other person is coming from.  Responding and defending our position can come later.

How to Develop Listening Skills (according to John Maxwell):  1. Look at the speaker.  2. Don’t interrupt.  3. Focus on understanding.  4. Determine the need at the moment.  5. Check your emotions.  6. Suspend your judgment.  7. Sum up at major intervals.  8. Ask questions for clarity.  9. Always make listening your priority.  (p 46 – 51)

More on listening:

2. See the Other’s Perspective

Building on the deep listening of step 1, you can begin to “put yourself in the other’s shoes.”  When you focus on the heart of what people are saying rather than on the words used to express those ideas, and you are able to reflect back to that person their own thoughts with your own words, you create a bond that is not easily broken.  When people feel like you “get them,” they begin to open up to you – and your influence – in ways you might not expect.

If you’re not sure where to start with understanding others, I suggest you start with the “five core concerns.”  Dan Shapiro of the Harvard Negotiation Project describes five things that every person you meet is concerned about.  When you are able to understand these concerns, you have begun to understand the person’s perspective.

How to Understand Others: the 5 Core Concerns (according to Dan Shapiro):  1. Appreciation, 2. Autonomy, 3. Affiliation, 4. Status, 5. Role

More on understanding others:

3. Encourage Others to Achieve

If you can learn to understand people – how they think, what inspires them, how they’re likely to act in a given situation – then you can motivate and influence them.  While it might feel unnecessary, it has been my experience – both as a teacher and coach and as a recipient of encouragement – that people often don’t clearly see their own strengths and potential.  Very often, what I see as an obvious strength in an individual is a source of insecurity for that person.

However, when people understand what you see in them, it gives them confidence and the power to set aside the insecurity and move forward in their personal life purpose.  When they achieve some success through your encouragement, it can then establish you as a trusted source of advice, further increasing your influence with them.

How to Become a Believer in People (according to John Maxwell):  1. Believe in them before they succeed.  2. Emphasize their strengths.  3. List their past successes.  4. Instill confidence when they fail.  5. Experience some wins together.  6. Visualize their future success.  7. Expect a new level of living.  (p. 24 – 31)

More on encouraging others:

4. Build Trust

The final step to long-lasting influence is to build trust.  This is the result of consistently walking out the first three steps.

John Maxwell has compared building trust to a deposit account.  Every time we act in ways that demonstrate integrity, we increase our trust account.  Whenever we act in ways that don’t demonstrate integrity, we decrease our trust account.  Some activities create larger deposits or withdrawals, and some can bankrupt your trust reserves.  (p. 357)

As we develop integrity and trustworthiness, it becomes our character.  This is when you’ve become the influential “go-to” person in your circle, regardless of your position.

How to Become a Person of Integrity (according to John Maxwell):  1. Commit yourself to honesty, reliability, and confidentiality.  2. Decide ahead of time that you don’t have a price.  3. Each day, do what you should do before what you want to do.  (p. 65 – 66)

More on building trust:

From “Investment” to “Exchange”

Once you’ve become consistent in these four steps, you will likely find “investment” relationships evolving into “exchange” relationships.  If you find the other person reciprocating, you can consider this an exchange relationship and can feel confident taking the relationship deeper.  Often, these people will become trusted allies in your plans and projects in return.

Take It Deeper

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

References:

Maxwell, J. 2003.  REAL Leadership: The 101 Collection.

Shapiro, D. The Five Core Concerns of Negotiation. http://bigthink.com/videos/the-five-core-concerns-of-negotiation

Cultural Intelligence, Interpersonal Communication, Our Blog

A Blueprint for Cross-cultural Communication

T. M. T.

By Tasha M. Troy

In 2001, I made one of the biggest, most impactful changes of my life; I moved to South Korea and stayed there for just over eight years.

While in Korea, I grew in so many ways:

  • I discovered my niche student population.
  • I learned how to connect with my students, drawing out the quiet ones and reining in the overly talkative ones.
  • I developed key strategies for interacting with my Korean students, managers, and friends as well as my remarkably diverse language faculty colleagues.
  • I broadened my experience and deepened my understanding of different countries and their cultures.

 

I achieved a modest level of professional success, and I became very confident in my skills.

 

New Adventure

In 2009, I made another of the biggest, most impactful decisions; I moved back to the US.

I came back to the US feeling that I was now an expert with unique skills.  While this was true to an extent, I still had some hard lessons to learn.  While the basic demographics of my students were largely the same as my last few years in Korea, my classes were now quite culturally diverse, with no more than two students from the same country and no more than four speaking the same language.

Furthermore, the students used a communication style that I had become unaccustomed to.

 

A Communication Blueprint

You see, what I didn’t realize was that there are three general cultural communication styles, according to Susan Steinbach, who uses three sports metaphors to describe these styles:

  • Rugby – a loud style that involves a lot of “talking over” each other and frequently interrupting each other. It is very physically demonstrative and seems chaotic to an outside observer.  This style is used in South America, the Middle East, the Mediterranean nations, and most of Africa.
  • Bowling – a quiet style that involves each speaking clearly getting their own turns to speak with little or no interruption. It seems very reserved and orderly to an outside observer.  This style is used primarily in East Asia and Northern Europe.
  • Basketball – a moderately loud and somewhat fast-paced style that includes limited interruptions. It seems lively and relatively (though not perfectly) ordered to an outside observer.  This style is used in the US and Central and Western Europe.

 

The bowling style of Korea suited my personality, which helps explain why I was so comfortable living in S. Korea.  However, I now had several students from the Middle East and Africa, and my classroom gave me culture shock; I felt like someone had taken me off a bowling alley and thrown me onto a rugby pitch!

 

Moving Forward

It was my openness to learning, adapting, and growing that enabled me to come through those first years back in the US stronger and better able to connect with students from all communication style backgrounds.

Today, I know that many people face cross-cultural communication situations regularly, if not daily, and I know that there are many miscommunications that create tension and conflict.

  • Is it possible that you are misreading someone in your personal circle, whether at work or at home?
  • Are you misinterpreting intentions?
  • Are you giving the wrong impression?

 

If you want to connect with those around you, especially if they are hard to connect with, it is time to do a little self-examination and recalibrate your perceptions.

 

Take It Deeper

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

 

 

 

Cultural Intelligence, Interpersonal Communication, Leadership, Our Blog

The Secrets to Connecting with People at Work and Beyond

T. M. T.

By Tasha M. Troy

It is difficult to describe what I do in just a sentence or two:

  • Do I provide professional communication skills training?
  • Do I coach people in cross-cultural situations and environments?
  • Do I develop leaders?

The answer to each of these questions is “YES!” Modern leadership of any sort is becoming more demanding.  Position is not enough.  You need a whole suite of skills. Our focus at Troy Communications is at the intersection of each of three distinct fields: professional communication, leadership, and cultural intelligence.

Professional Communication Skills: 

For over 10 years, I have worked in professional development programs, equipping adults with the skills needed for workplace success – giving effective and engaging presentations, participating in and leading discussions and meetings, preparing for and engaging in negotiations.

While the participants in these programs have all been non-native English speakers, I have come to recognize that many of these skills are lacking among native English speakers as well.  There is power in being able to communicate clearly and effectively, and I am passionate about empowering people through communication, no matter their role.

Leadership Skills:

In 2014, I decided to partner with one of the world’s top leadership experts when I joined the John Maxwell Team.  I didn’t realize how little I understood leadership until I read his 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership.  Twice.

Dr. Maxwell promotes a style of leadership that is interested in the personal and professional development of those under the leader’s authority, making it an others-focused leadership.  The book changed the way I teach.  Instead of focusing only on language and communication development, I also endeavor to instill sound leadership principles into my teaching style and my lessons.

Cultural Intelligence Skills:

While my entire career has been in cross-cultural settings, in early 2016, I stumbled upon the field of CQ, or cultural intelligence.  Since the 80s, I’ve learned many skills and principles of cross-cultural competence through both studies and experience, and it has even been an element of the language and communication courses I’ve taught for the past several years.

What I discovered with CQ was a way to go deeper, a framework for assessing intercultural effectiveness and identifying areas for continued development, in myself and in those I am training.

Where these three fields intersect could be called “The Communication Skills of Culturally Intelligent Leadership.”

Starting with a personal awareness combined with understanding key principles from each of the three fields, we aim to develop effective leaders for our globalized and multicultural society, whether it is an international businessman or a grassroots political activist.  When we learn to connect with each other across dividing lines, we all win.

  • Take It Deeper

  • Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net
  • If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.
Interpersonal Communication, Leadership, Our Blog

Connecting Across the Aisle: How to Talk with Family, Friends, and Colleagues about the Issues that Divide Us

T. M. T.

By Tasha M. Troy

In early November 2016, I went in to work as usual and encountered a coworker who was quite distressed.  She was very concerned about what it might mean if Donald Trump actually won the US presidency in the quickly approaching election; I had concerns of my own about the election.  As I sat to talk with her, I had a very uneasy feeling about discussing political views so openly when I knew there were differences between us.

Despite our political differences, we are still friends.

Connective Conversations

It used to be that politics was a shunned topic.  People understood it could be divisive and so, unless there were pertinent reasons to bring it up, it was largely avoided.

Then 2016 happened, bringing political divisions to the surface and into our daily conversations.

Today, sometimes it seems that politics is all anyone wants to talk about.  Now, I live in the Washington, DC, area, so politics is always a common topic here.  However, I’m seeing social media posts from friends and family all over the country, and even overseas, making sure the world is aware of their political views and positions.

Surrounded by Diversity of Thought

I am blessed to have friends, family, and colleagues who embrace many political positions.

  • A friend from work still declares that he’s “with her.”
  • A friend from college “still feels the Bern.”
  • A friend from church is working to “make America great again.”

These are people that I am happy to have in my life, regardless of their political position.  They are caring and intelligent people, every one, and it would be a great slander to “demonize” them as “other” just for their political views.  In fact, I find that I agree with each of them on certain points, just as I disagree with each of them on certain points.

One thing I have learned through my years of interacting with people from all different backgrounds and walks of life: People take positions for reasons that make sense to them.  I believe that where the communication breakdown often happens is we discuss conclusions, not reasons.

There is always an internal logic behind beliefs and decisions.

Where Angels Fear to Tread

When I feel it is important to discuss the issues of the day, I have found it is essential to choose my engagements carefully.  The conversation with my colleague worked out because she was open to my perspective.  We had already established a strong rapport and we respected each other.  I haven’t been able to have similar conversations with everyone in my circle.

When I discover someone is entrenched in their views, I don’t engage in conversation or discussion with them on that topic.  The few times I have, I have come away feeling slighted or insulted.  Instead of threatening the relationship by engaging in a “battle” I can’t win, I simply listen and walk away.

Sometimes people just need to feel heard, and I am ok with that.  At the very least, I begin to understand them at a deeper level, and it helps to build trust.

Seeking Common Ground

When engagement does happen, I try to follow John Maxwell’s 101% Principle – I find the common ground and build from there.

Common ground?  With THEM?!

Yes.

If you think there is no common ground between Republicans and Democrats (or other political positions), you are sorely mistaken.  I often find people from opposing sides have the same goals and aspirations.  While I realize that there are some out there with a distinct agenda, the disagreement among most is usually in the prioritization and implementation of achieving those similar and shared goals.

Tasha’s Tips for Controversial Conversations

Starting the Conversation:

When I want to intentionally connect with someone, especially over controversial topics, I start by asking, not telling.

  • What is their position?
  • What led them to that position?
    • Their experiences?
    • Their background knowledge/ studies?
    • Their values (personal/ religious)?

Then I listen to understand, only asking clarification questions.  This also gives me a chance to determine whether my friend is open to me sharing my perspective.

Remember – these are cross-cultural conversations!  The perspectives and views may be wildly different from your own.  Take time to understand where someone is coming from before you try to explain your own perspective and views.

Maintaining the Conversation:

Establish some ground rules to keep the conversation going in a positive direction.

  1. Both parties must be interested in conversation, not grandstanding or soap boxing.
  2. Emotions must be kept in check. If you or the other person starts feeling like you want to scream, it’s time to step back from the conversation for a little bit.  And don’t be surprised when this happens.
  3. Always communicate with respect and clarity. The authors of Crucial Conversations say that you need to be 100% honest and 100% respectful[1].
  4. You and the person you are talking with came to your conclusions by different logical paths. Share the information you gathered on that journey so that you have a more complete picture of reality.

The Third Side

Most political disputes assume a black and white approach, but so much of life cannot be so sharply divided.  When we embrace binary options, we all lose.  There is always a third option, a collaborative solution that is possible.  Are we willing to do the hard work needed to find it?

Take It Deeper

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

 

Reference:

Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking when Stakes Are High, by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler.

[1] p. 22

Interpersonal Communication, Leadership, Our Blog

But What If You’re Wrong? How Negative Feedback Changed Me for Good

T. M. T.

By Tasha M. Troy

A few years ago, I experienced a misunderstanding and miscommunication with a student.  I worked with her for a few months but couldn’t understand why she was resistant to my instruction and feedback—seeming even uncooperative.

It wasn’t until I saw the mid-term student evaluation of instructors that I realized my own misperceptions regarding this student.  It turns out that she had gotten the impression that I disliked her on a personal level.  This quite upset me because it was both untrue and not the impression I aim to give my students.

When You’re Wrong, It’s Never Apparent Right Away

As the instructor, it was my responsibility to correct the situation; once I did, the final few months were very positive with this student.

If I had maintained my perception of myself as concerned about my students and hadn’t been open to discovering and correcting the misconceptions, the outcome for this student would not have been as positive.

Kathryn Schulz, in her TED Talk “On being wrong,” points out that being wrong feels like being right—until we realize our mistake.  We often get so wrapped up in our own perspective that we don’t consider the possibility that a different perspective might give a clearer picture of the situation.

Of course, there are foundational truths that should not be diluted, but it is my observation that most disagreements don’t fall under that classification.  Rather, most seem to be over a question of perspective or priorities, and these are subjective.  You can only comprehend the bigger picture by listening to others, by understanding other perspectives.

The Four Levels of Listening

Mark Goulston and John Ullmen, in their book Real Influence, argue that, in order to exert influence, you must also be influenceable—which means hearing out others’ perspectives and ideas.

However, they don’t mean any type of listening; they describe four levels of listening:

  1. avoidance listening, or listening without giving your attention to the speaker
  2. defensive listening, or listening to respond
  3. problem-solving listening, or listening to accomplish a task
  4. connective listening, or listening to understand and build relationship

Goulston and Ullmen point out that if you are not willing to engage in connective (or conscious) listening, to hear others’ ideas and keep an open mind, your listeners are not likely to afford that consideration to you.

Seeing Conflict as a Growth Opportunity

This doesn’t mean that you need to abandon your own ideas; according to Goulston and Ullmen, “It involves not surrendering our judgment, but suspending it.”

You cannot properly evaluate an idea before you’ve truly understood it, and this requires attentive, conscious, connective listening—followed by the weighing of ideas to see to what extent, if any, you should adopt the new ideas.

Goulston and Ullmen, in their book Real Influence, say that connective listening “transforms conflicts into fertile ground where new ideas can take root.”  Isn’t this what we need to see happen in our communities and country today?

I encourage you to begin practicing conscious, connective listening with the people around you today.

Take It Deeper

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

Interpersonal Communication, Our Blog

The Art of Listening

T. M. T.

By Tasha M. Troy

When I was living in S. Korea, I made a point of learning the language and using it whenever I had the opportunity.  However, more than once, I walked into a shop and asked a question in (relatively) good Korean only to be answered by the wide-eyed shop keeper with a hand up in a “stop” gesture and “So-ree.  No En-guh-lish-ee.”  And that was the end of the conversation.

After this happened two or three times, I finally figured out the problem – the shopkeepers heard the language that they expected to hear.  They were not actively listening to the words coming out of my mouth, so when they saw my white face, they assumed I would speak English.  I adjusted my approach to start off with a Korean greeting in order to “warm up the ears” of the shopkeeper, which worked beautifully.

 

People hear what they expect to hear.  

Admittedly, my case is a somewhat extreme example (though absolutely true); however, my observations indicate that we hear what we expect to hear, not necessarily what was actually said, especially when we are not actively and consciously listening.

Listening Filters

I see this with my clients time after time, and I’ve also seen it happen with friends and family.  Many times participants in my training programs tell me they couldn’t focus on what a speaker said because they were distracted by their own opinions and views on the topic or by their perceptions of the speaker.  Our biases interfere with our ability to listen accurately.

Julian Treasure, a sound and listening expert, calls these biases “filters,” which most often unconsciously determine where we place our listening attention, and so determine our sense of reality.  In his TED Talk “Five Ways to Listen Better,” he references culture, language, values, beliefs, attitudes, expectations, and intentions as filters that can interfere with listening.

It seems to me that these filters encompass just about all of the essentials of life!  So how can we ever begin to understand people, especially when we disagree?

 

Connective Listening

In their book Real Influence, Mark Goulston and John Ullmen call the highest level of listening “connective listening.”  This is listening to understand and build rapport; your intention at this level is not even in solving a problem but to get underneath the surface of what the person is sharing.  According to Goulston and Ullmen, “It’s listening without an agenda, because you’re not focused on responding or even on helping.”  Only after fully understanding the situation can solutions be explored.

Of course, these things are very difficult to do when you are speaking with someone approaching the issue from a very different perspective.  Effective connective listening does not happen when we are focused on our own position, our own ideas, our own “rightness.”

Eventually, connective listening requires both parties to view the situation from the other’s perspective.  This is what makes listening an art.  Empathy, kindness, integrity, trustworthiness, a willingness to suspend reactions – these are keys to open communication, and it starts with listening.  Focus on the heart of what people are saying rather than on the words used to express those ideas, and ask questions to clarify when the words make the message unclear.

 

Take It Deeper

Just think, how could our lives and our communities be transformed if we simply began practicing connective listening?

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

Interpersonal Communication, Our Blog

Watch Your Blind Spot!

Team Troy

By Tasha M. Troy

Several years ago while I was living in South Korea, I met my parents in Hawaii for a short vacation.  Since I was scheduled to arrive considerably earlier than my family coming from the mainland, my father suggested I pick up the rental car and check out Honolulu, which I thought was an excellent idea.

As I was driving around, I made a last-minute decision to get into a left-turn lane.  When I checked, the lane appeared to be clear.  Suddenly, I heard a “thump!” and realized that there was a motorcyclist there!  Clearly I had failed to check my blind spot.  Fortunately, I didn’t injure the driver, but he was quite angry and I was shaken by the experience.

We are all familiar with the concept of a blind spot while driving, but very few are familiar with mental blind spots.

In their book Real Influence: Persuade without Pushing, Gain without Giving In, Mark Goulston and John Ullmen talk about listening past your blind spot.  They define your “blind spot” as the condition of being immersed in your own perspective, and when that happens, you are not able to connect with others effectively.  In fact, Goulston and Ullmen propose that it is only in being influenceable that we can achieve greater influence ourselves.

 

Becoming Influenceable

When I talk to clients and friends about being open-minded and influenceable, I tend to get a bit of push-back.  They say they don’t want to be “so opened minded their brain falls out,” and they express concern that being open to others’ ideas means they will have to compromise their values and principles.

However, I have found Goulston and Ullmen’s explanation to be an excellent way of looking at this so-important element of developing influence with another:  “Being influenceable means being both open-minded and open-hearted.”  (p. 108)

If we truly value people in general, we need to first look for the value they bring to any relationship without imposing our own expectations or perspectives on them.  To me, this is the essence of being open-minded.  Even someone I disagree with violently on most things will have something of value to add to my life.  This doesn’t relieve me of responsibility; being influenceable means we have greater responsibility to evaluate new ideas as they are presented, but it doesn’t mean we dismiss the people who share those ideas.

In our super-charged political atmosphere right now, I dare you to open your mind and your heart to truly hear someone else, especially if that someone has dramatically different views than you do.  You might just be surprised by what their perspective can reveal.

 

Take It Deeper

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

Interpersonal Communication, Our Blog

Do You Tick Down a Checklist in Conversations? Here’s How to Go Deeper

Team Troy

By Tasha M. Troy

Not long ago, I sat down with a friend for lunch. As we were catching up, I began to feel like I was being interrogated rather than participating in a conversation. I’m not saying my friend was intrusively firing questions at me; she was friendly and cheerful as she asked me about the various situations I’ve been facing. She was even asking some good open-ended questions. However, I ended up leaving the conversation feeling like I hadn’t actually been heard.

 

Not All Listening Is Equal

I suspect most people understand what it takes to show interest in others – remember what is important to the other person and ask open-ended questions – yet we still fail to connect on the deeper levels that each person craves. How is it that my friend did everything she was supposed to do and still left me feeling unheard?

Mark Goulston and John Ullmen introduce four levels of listening in their book Real Influence: Persuade without Pushing, Gain without Giving In. The first two levels are generally negative and should not be used if at all possible – avoidance (distracted) listening and defensive (reactive) listening.

 

Why the “Shopping List” Approach Doesn’t Really Work

The third level, problem-solving listening, is very practical and often effective when facts and reason are paramount. However, according to Goulston and Ullmen, “Level 3 listening, especially when matters are complex or emotionally charged, leaves too much room for misunderstanding.”

As I pondered the experience with my friend, I realized that this was the level that she had engaged in. Her questions had me focusing on the facts of my circumstances, not the deeper meaning I am deriving from them or how I feel about them. To an extent, it felt as though she were working her way down a list of topics she had to cover and was less interested in actually hearing what I had to say about the topics.  I have to wonder how often I, too, take this approach in relationships – more often than is good, I suspect.

 

Going to the Next Level in Relationships

The highest level of listening, Level 4, is called “connective listening.” This is listening to understand and build rapport; your interest at this level is not even in solving a problem but to get underneath the surface of what the person is sharing. According to Goulston and Ullmen, “It’s listening without an agenda, because you’re not focused on responding or even on helping.” Only after fully understanding the situation can solutions be explored.

Listening to another person at this level is a powerful way to build a relationship. Whether someone is simply sharing an experience or is venting, responding by asking for more information affirms the speaker and shows your concern for their feelings. It allows them to release all the negative emotions associated with the situation, and consequently they become better able to listen to you in return, further strengthening the relationship.

 

Take It Deeper

I believe that connective listening is a powerful tool. How much suffering can we alleviate simply by listening with open ears and open hearts to those around us? Who can you practice connective listening with today?

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

 

 

THE MAGIC KEY TO PERSUASION
Interpersonal Communication, Our Blog

The Magic Key to Persuasion

Team Troy

By Tasha M. Troy

As a professional development trainer, I am often in the position of trying to convince a student or client to buy in to the goals of the course or of a particular activity.

A few years ago, I experienced a particularly stubborn student who was determined to do assignments his own way, basically wanting me to edit articles he intended to have published instead of doing the coursework.  This approach put him in danger of failing not only my course but the entire eight-month program he was enrolled in.

In order to convince him to complete assignments so that he could pass the course and the program, I asked him to meet with me in person, to which he agreed.

 

One Conversation Brought Down Barriers—Like Magic!

At first, I tried to reason with him, describing the consequences of non-compliance and the benefits of simply following instructions, all to no avail.  It seemed as if he were determined to fail the program, and I was getting more and more frustrated by his refusal to accept my limitations as his instructor.

Finally, I made an offer I had held in reserve: in return for his completing the assignments, I would also review his articles intended for publication.

Immediately his stubbornness dissipated.

 

Five Things Just Happened to Persuade Him

How can you persuade someone who seems determined, even to his own detriment, to hold to his own position?   Clearly, there was something deeper going on, something that I wasn’t immediately aware of.

However, I would have never discovered a solution if I hadn’t been willing to step back from my goals and see things from his perspective.

And it is not hard to see things from another’s perspective.  The Five Core Concerns of negotiation – as described by Dan Shapiro, the associate director of the Harvard Negotiation Project – zero in on the five emotional needs of any person you come in contact with:

  • Appreciation – to have their efforts and experience recognized and appreciated.
  • Autonomy – to make decisions free of force, coercion, or manipulation.
  • Affiliation – to belong, to be a member of a group.
  • Status – to be treated with respect, no matter our position in the hierarchy.
  • Role – to know that our efforts are working towards a greater goal.

 

Give and You Shall Receive

In the encounter with my student, I had to tap into each of these points:

  • show understanding of and appreciation for his desires and goals.
  • respect his autonomy; I couldn’t force him to complete his assignments.
  • demonstrate that we were on the same team.
  • be respectful of his identity as an experienced and knowledgeable professional.
  • define, and expand, our roles as teacher and student.

In the end, he said he did not want to create more work for me, so he wouldn’t ask me to review both assignments and articles.  Instead, he agreed to simply complete his assignments, and he successfully completed the course and program.

If I had insisted that he complete assignments simply based on my position as his instructor, we would have had a very different outcome.  However, because I was willing to set aside my agenda and meet him where he was, we were able to come to a positive conclusion.

 

Take It Deeper

What situation do you find yourself in today where a little selflessness might open a new way forward?

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.