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Interpersonal Communication, Leadership, Our Blog

Empathy: What the World Needs Now

By Tasha M. Troy

The world today seems a much scarier place than it did 15 or 20 years ago. The culture in the US has shifted in ways that create isolation and frustration to dangerous levels, and we see the results in tragedies over and over again.

And I haven’t had to look at the headlines to see it.  I’ve found this lack of empathy in the lives of the people around me.

The truth is that humanity is wired to be self-centered.  We all naturally see the world in relation to how it affects us and make decisions based on perceived personal benefit.  In the US, with our high value for individualism, this tendency has been given free rein, with occasional catastrophic results.

However, when these tragedies happen, most voices are calling out for “remedies” that seem superficial to me.  I believe the root cause is that people have not developed empathy, or the ability to see the world from another’s perspective.

 

Personal Maturity

A mark of personal maturity is the ability to put others first, to consider their needs before you consider your own.  In generations past, this quality was valued and celebrated.  In our culture today, people are both ridiculed and praised for this level of maturity.

  • People are often considered a “doormat” or accused of being naïve at best, a fool at worst, when they put others first.
  • People may be praised as heroic or as a respected leader when they put the needs of others first, especially in a crisis.

This maturity level goes by several different labels:  an element emotional intelligence, the key characteristic of level 5 leadership, the foundation of connective influence

However, it seems to me that developing this level of maturity depends on whether you have a scarcity mindset.  John Maxwell says, “Scarcity thinking is all about me.  It says, ‘There’s not enough to go around.  I had better get something for myself and hold on to it with all I have’” (Maxwell, 226).

With this mindset, it is impossible to think of others and to put their needs first.  If we want to develop empathy, we have to start by replacing our scarcity mindset.

 

Combating Scarcity Thinking

Could it really be that simple?  I believe so.

I once heard, long ago, that the founder of the JC Penny stores was a generous man who tried to out-give God, so I looked a little into his life.  I discovered that the original name of his store was “The Golden Rule,” and he conducted business under that philosophy: “This company’s success is due to the application of the Golden Rule to every individual, the public and to all of our activities” (Barmash).

When he died, he was a very wealthy and successful businessman, in spite of having been wiped out during the Depression.  One of his applications of this principle was in how he treated his employees, whom he referred to as associates, by implementing a profit sharing plan.

There are other examples we can look at – C. J. Walker, Oprah Winfrey and Bill Gates, to name a few – to find that an abundance mindset can make all the difference.

“Abundance thinking is the mindset of people of significance, and it has nothing to do with how much they have. … But whatever they have, they are willing to share because they don’t worry about running out” (Maxwell, 227).  This is the mindset necessary to develop empathy.

If you want to begin cultivating an abundance mindset in your own life, start with gratitude.  I challenge you to daily write down three to five things you are grateful for in your life.  Before long, you will begin to see the world through a different lens – the lens of abundance.

 

Take It Deeper

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

 

Works Cited:

Barmash, I. (1971) J. C. Penney of Store Chain Dies; Built Business on ‘Golden Rule.’ The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/1971/02/13/archives/j-c-penney-of-store-chain-dies-built-business-on-golden-rule-j-c.html

Collins, J.  (2001).  Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap . . . and Others Don’t.

Goleman, D. (2005) Emotional Intelligence

Goulston, M. and Ullmen, J.  (2013).  Real Influence: Persuade without Pushing and Gain without Giving In.

Maxwell, J. C. (2015) Intentional Living: Choosing a Life that Matters.

Interpersonal Communication, Leadership, Our Blog

A Process for When Conflict Comes Along

I was recently asked how someone could deal with a person who dominated a conversation, never pausing long enough to let anyone else “get a word in edgewise.”  She had recently been at a dinner party where this had happened, and she had been quite at a loss as how to address the problem

We have all faced similar situations, where it isn’t clear what the best way to resolve the situation may be.  What I find is that many people are haven’t had the training to know how to address these situations.

Conflict is inevitable.  It is not possible that you will be in harmony with everyone around you at all times.  Whenever there are two or more people working together, there will be disagreement and conflict.

It is how we respond (or react) to conflict that defines our relationships. 

The authors of Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stakes Are High summed up the dilemma as “how can I be 100% honest … and 100% respectful?” (p. 22).  The question comes down to the “nature vs. nurture” debate, whether some people are born as natural conflict resolvers or whether these are skills that can be learned.

 

A Process for Resolving Conflict

I believe that conflict management is a skill that can be learned, a key element of emotional intelligence, and the sooner we learn how to address these conflicts constructively, the better:

Whenever I think about resolving a conflict, I always go back to “The 5 Core Concerns,” one of which is autonomy.  The best resolution will be one in which all parties have a say.

In his book Good Leaders Ask Great Questions (p. 175-177), John Maxwell describes the process he uses to address problematic behavior, which meets this need for autonomy:

  • Meet privately ASAP to discuss their behavior
  • Ask for their side of the story
  • Try to come to a place of agreement
  • Set out a future course of action with a deadline
  • Validate the value of the person and express your commitment to help

 

Walking Out the Process

I have walked through this situation myself when someone I am leading is having difficulty.

  • Whenever I need to confront someone, I make sure the conversation is one-on-one.
  • I allow time for them to express their position and point of view.
  • I help them see the impact of not changing their behavior.
  • I let them express how they intend to do things differently and hold them to it.
  • Throughout the conversation, I am careful express hope that the person can change their behavior and meet expectations.

By following this process, I see change happen, even if it is slow in coming.

In the past, I didn’t always follow this process.  The result was defensiveness and stubborn refusal to change.  Today, the results are much more positive.

If I – an introvert who avoids conflict – can learn this skill, so can you!

100% honest.  100% respectful.

 

Take It Deeper

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

Leadership, Our Blog

A New Year, a Clean Slate, a Fresh Start

January always seems to hold promise for me.  I’m sure you’ve felt the same way, too.

For the past few years, I have made time during the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day to take an inventory of where I have been and where I need to go to live out my purpose and achieve my dreams.  However, sometimes I am too action oriented and forget to plan time to invest in myself.

When you have the desire and drive to have more, do more, be more, you have to first become the person who can accomplish those things.  You have to “add value” to yourself, as John Maxwell puts it.  You cannot produce more unless you invest in yourself first.

This is where a lot of people fall short, myself included.  We often don’t see the point of investing in ourselves when there are so many other voices crying for our time and attention.  However, you have to understand that you cannot give what you do not have.  If you don’t invest in yourself first, you won’t have anything of value to give those who are depending on you.

 

The importance of small changes applied consistently.

If there is an area of your life you want to improve in, don’t underestimate the power of small shifts.  We often think that big results require big changes and action, but I have found that even small changes can have a disproportionately large impact on results.

Let me illustrate how investing in yourself can have a ripple effect.

  • Imagine you want to improve the team cohesion on a culturally and/or racially diverse team.
  • You decide to take the time to learn about cultural dimensions and the strengths of different cultures.
  • As a result, you begin to recognize and value individuals from various cultures for their strengths.
  • Finally, you can watch as your team follows you example and begins to respect and value each other for their strengths.

If you want to have more, do more, or be more, you have to first become more.  You must intentionally invest in yourself in order to become the person who can accomplish your hopes, dreams, and goals.

 

Take It Deeper

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net.

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

Interpersonal Communication, Our Blog

Five Keys to Connecting during the Holidays

By Tasha M. Troy

The holiday season is a magical time of the year that can bring people together who might not otherwise make the time.  For many, this is a wonderful time to bond with friends and family over shared traditions and values.  For many others, it is a stressful and contentious time because you no longer hold the same positions on important issues as your loved ones.

Are you doomed to live in conflict through this joyful season?  What would you think if I told you that you can control the level of conflict in your holiday season?

Keeping the Peace

If you want to avoid interpersonal conflict when meeting up with family and friends, you first need to challenge your attitude.  When contentious topics come up, it is easy to become defensive around your position.  However, you need to have clear goals for the interaction – do you want to defend your views at all costs, or do you want to enjoy the company of friends and family you might not interact with often?

I work in a field where many of my colleagues hold differing political positions from mine.  My positions are deeply held and tied to my personal values, but I choose not to engage in regular debates.  While I don’t agree with my colleagues on many points, there are many other points that I do agree on.  That’s where I will frequently make contributions in conversations.

Fact: You can refuse to respond to baiting comments.

The truth is, you won’t change anyone’s opinion with a rant or a lecture, so let it go.  Now is not the time, and here is not the place, for such conversations.

 

Tasha’s Tips:

If you want to make an impact on people at holiday gatherings this year, I believe that John Maxwell’s book Everyone Communicates, Few Connect holds a few keys to help us not only survive but thrive through holiday gatherings.  Here are a few tips.

  1. Focus on others.  You might have had an eventful year, but so has everyone else!  Ask questions and show interest in others.
  2. Expend the energy required to connect.  If you are dying to share your thoughts, opinions, and experiences with everyone, it might require quite a bit of energy to bite your tongue and to show genuine interest in those around you.  (However, usually once they have finished sharing, they will give you a turn to share.)
  3. Focus on common ground.  Even when divisive topics come up, there will very likely be at least one point you can agree on.  Keep your attention and comments on that point to encourage connection.  If that isn’t possible, work at seeing the issue from the other person’s perspective and speak to that.
  4. Keep it simple.  When confronted with a statement so abrasive that I simply can’t let it slide, instead of confronting the idea head on, I will usually ask a question to challenge the other person’s thinking, giving them the opportunity to discover any logical fallacies they might be embracing.
  5. Create an enjoyable experience.  By not rising up in defensive indignation, you can help maintain a cheerful, enjoyable atmosphere.

Take It Deeper

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

Cultural Intelligence, Our Blog

Three Keys to Connecting as a Woman in a Man’s World

By Tasha M. Troy

I have been very fortunate to have been raised and lived most of my life in the USA.  It is rare that I am seen as less simply because I’m a woman.  This is not the case in many places around the world.

However, because of my career choices, I often find myself working with men from other countries.  In these situations, I have had to establish my influence myself, not necessarily starting from a place of mutual respect.

When I talk about cross-cultural communication and relationship building, one question women in particular ask me is how to navigate relationships in cultures that don’t esteem women in the same way we are used to here in the United States.  In addition to the perhaps obvious suggestion of learning about the cultural values and master a few key phrases, I have three things I do to establish trust and rapport.

  1. Respect the culture of the person you are interacting with.

I hate to say it, but the stereotype of the “ugly American” is based in reality.  I have seen so many Americans interact with other cultures and feel disgusted because the culture didn’t do things the same way as we do in the US.  That is no way to win trust, gain respect, and build rapport!

You have to first give respect before you can receive in these cases.  Take time to learn the primary cultural values and find things about the culture that you can appreciate.  Complimenting those things will go a long way towards gaining you goodwill with the people you are working with.

  1. Don’t fight the system; work within the system.

I may not agree with how the culture views women or even how women in that culture are treated.  However, I will accomplish nothing by pressuring for change or demanding an individual disavow his own culture before I can work with him.  Instead, understand your role within the cultural context and work within those expectations.  Trust me, it is possible to work with cultural norms, accomplish what needs to be done, and still take pride in who you are and what you do.

As an example, I spent several years working for Samsung in South Korea, training their managers in business English and intercultural communication.  When I was there, the culture in general was about a generation behind the US in terms of how women were treated, especially in the workplace.  To illustrate this, only about 10% of the managers in our training programs were women.  And don’t get me started on the “men only” drinking clubs and “hostess bars”!  It was very much an “old boys club.”

If I had decided to protest the cultural norms, as some of my North American colleagues did, I would have lost the opportunity to connect with the trainees and Korean management, removing me from a place of influence.  By respecting the culture and working within the system, my voice became trusted when advice and insight was needed.  Eventually I was asked to be “lead instructor,” a position similar to a program manager, partly because I was in a position to bridge differences between the management and the English language faculty.

  1. Exceed expectations.

Initially respecting the culture and working within cultural expectations can only go so far.  In the end, it is your performance day in and day out that will win over the respect you desire.  It is in going the extra mile – both at work and in learning to navigate the culture and language – that will help you to stand out as trustworthy.

Looking again at my time with Samsung, I committed myself to serving my students and preparing them for long-term success.  By standing out in this way, I positioned myself to be eligible for the promotion to lead instructor.

Of course, this is a longer process, but it pays the best dividends!

Take It Deeper

These three keys may sound simple, but they can be very challenging to live out.  They require maturity, humility, and self-confidence.  But as difficult as it is, success is all the sweeter.

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

 

 

 

Leadership, Our Blog

Connecting Across the Generations

By Tasha M. Troy

Last week, I was leading a class discussion in my Business English class on branding. In the book was a list of top companies – McDonalds, Microsoft, GE, etc., all household names, or so I thought.

Then a young student asked me what kind of company IBM was. Wow! I felt old! This was one of those times when generational differences were very clear.

I am a member of Gen X, a smallish generation sandwiched between the larger generations of Millennials and Baby Boomers. What’s more, I’ve chosen a profession that regularly puts me in contact with people of all three generations, especially Millennials. What has made it possible for me to be successful in this environment?

 

Intentional Connection

At the beginning of each new course I teach, I have to find ways to connect with my students, just as managers and company leaders must connect with their teams and employees, regardless of which generation they belong to. This is to ensure that we can all reach our goals, individually and collectively.

For many years, I assumed it was the responsibility of the students to follow my lead, but upon reading John Maxwell’s book The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership a few years ago, my perspective drastically changed. John says that “[successful leaders] take the first step with others and then make the effort to continue building relationships” (p. 119). This struck me hard.

I had always just accepted that some of my students will naturally connect with me and others won’t. The paradigm shift for me was that I needed to intentionally reach out to those who didn’t naturally connect with me and establish the connection myself, no matter what generation they belonged to.

 

Keys to Connection

Here are several principles I now live by that enable me to connect with family members, friends, colleagues, and students from all different generations. Interestingly, they can be categorized according to Dan Shapiro’s 5 Core Concerns, the five key interests any individual has:

  • Appreciation:  Create a safe place for them to express opinions and views, and then listen to understand, suspending judgement until understanding is reached.
  • Autonomy:  Allow people to make mistakes, but be available to support them through the recovery.
  • Affiliation:  Find and build on common ground – shared values, goals, hobbies, interests, etc.
  • Status:  Respect people as individuals.
  • Role:  Recognize and encourage people’s strengths.

 

I have found that the secret to walking out these principles is asking the right questions. Show a genuine interest in others, and you will find it is often reciprocated back to you.

 

Take It Deeper

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start. If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net
If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

Interpersonal Communication, Leadership, Our Blog

Leadership Lessons from the Classroom

By Tasha M. Troy

Sometimes it’s hard for me to believe it’s been 20 years since I first started teaching.  I can tell you that my career hasn’t gone where I expected it to!

I remember my first year of teaching like it was yesterday.  It was an incredibly challenging year!  Boy, have I grown since then!

Over the years, I have taught every age level, from 5 years old to 65 years old, though most of my work has been with is the 20 – 50-year-old age range.  Through my experiences in the classroom, coupled with my more recent studies in leadership skills, I have learned a number of lessons that help me get a new class off on the right foot.  With the school year starting, I thought I’d share a few of these lessons.

While I learned these lessons by leading the classroom, they can apply to any team leadership situation.  All you have to do is exchange the word “students” for “employees” or “team members.”

 

1. Set clear expectations and define desired outcomes.

I know this sounds obvious, but for a long time I didn’t do this with every class.  Now I try to do it with every class session.  When people don’t have to wonder about what you are aiming for, they are more likely to succeed.

 

2. Let people know the benefit you expect them to gain from a given assignment.

This is related to the first point, and something I found extremely important when working with busy adults.  People despise busy work and will resist any assignment that seems to have no point.  I choose to respect my students by always having a long-term purpose for their assignments, but when I communicate that purpose, I gain more concrete buy-in.

 

3. Respect individual differences and look for their unique strengths.

I like to say that everyone has unique strengths and weaknesses, and by working together, we can balance each other out.  The classroom is no different. It affirms the individual and models respect for differences.  In fact, I have my students work in groups very often, and they quickly learn to appreciate each other.

 

4. No matter how accomplished, everyone needs praise and encouragement.

I will admit I was surprised to discover this, but in retrospect I shouldn’t have been.  Because I love learning so much, I forget that for many it is a vulnerable act to be under someone else’s tutelage.  When working with adults, I have often had students I found intimidating, but they were just as hungry to know they were doing a good job as any other student.

 

5. Be gentle when giving critical feedback or delivering low grades.

This one I should have learned firsthand as a student myself, but it became essential to my teaching style when working with high-performing adults.  So often we tie our identity and self-worth to our accomplishments, and when we are confronted with evidence that we are not as competent in an area as we thought, it can be devastating.  Children are no different from adults in the respect.

 

6. Meet people where they are, but believe they will rise to the occasion.

Everyone is in a process of becoming.  There have been so many times when I’ve been super concerned about a student preparing deliver a speech or a project, but they pull through and deliver more than I expected just about every time.

 

7. Don’t assume that what is obvious to you is obvious to all.

This is one of the hardest lessons to learn, and I have to keep this fresh in my mind.  You can’t assume that people see things the way you do, whether it is the purpose for an assignment or the potential of the individual.  You have to clearly and directly communicate these things, assuming nothing.

 

Take It Deeper

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

 

Leadership, Our Blog

When the Future Becomes the Present

By Tasha M. Troy

Last week I attended a briefing at a local think tank dedicated to international security issues.  It was an update and overview of the Coast Guard delivered by the commander of the Coast Guard.

While I learned several interesting things about the work and challenges of the Coast Guard, what really struck me was how well-spoken the admiral was.  He gave a clear briefing and answered a number of questions, all without consulting notes.

I know from experience that deep knowledge of a topic doesn’t automatically translate into strong presentation skills, and it was clear to me that he had developed his public speaking skills over a period of time.  I suspect he began working on those skills long before he achieved his position as commander of the Coast Guard, a position that I can imagine requires a lot of public speaking.

 

Hindsight in a Foresight Position

Long ago when I was in college, a wise man once told me to have “hindsight in a foresight position.”  We all know the saying that hindsight is 20/20; his challenge was to imagine what we wanted to remember at the end of any particular season.  This concept has stayed with me my entire adult life and has helped to fuel my success.

Many times when I’ve been training people in leading discussions and meetings, I’ve gotten a lot of pushback.  The participants say things like, “I’m not going to be leading meetings; I don’t need to know this.”  My response is always the same: “You never know where life is going to take you.”  Anything less comes across as short-sighted.

A quick Google search shows that somewhere around 60-80% of new managers fail to some degree.  This tells me that they – like most of us – failed to prepare for future possibilities until the future became the present.  When the opportunity presents itself, it is too late to begin preparing.

Even I didn’t do so well in my first leadership positions, and there was no one to help me figure out what I was missing.  This was one time my “foresight” failed me.  I didn’t know leadership was something that could be studied and applied.  Now I know better and invest time and energy in preparing for what’s next, even if I can’t see clearly what that might be.

 

Benefits of Personal Leadership Development

John Maxwell says that the measure of leadership is influence.  I have found that as my leadership skills have improved, the influence I have on those around me has increased.

  • It has changed the way I approach teaching my classes and interacting with those who report to me.
  • It has enabled me to see when a work environment no longer serves me, nor I it.
  • It has opened opportunities for me to coach friends and family through big life decisions.

The only downside I have found is that I now live with an increasing tension between who I am becoming and how others perceive me.  They don’t always line up, and I tend to get impatient as I experience growing pains.  However, I know this tension keeps me moving in the direction of my dreams and goals.

 

Take It Deeper

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

Interpersonal Communication, Our Blog

Four Steps to Greater Influence

By Tasha M. Troy

Recently I was asked what would help someone become more persuasive.  The answer I gave may have seemed simplistic or counter intuitive, but I’ve found it to be essential for myself in having influence without position and persuasion without pressure, particularly in the cross-cultural settings I usually find myself in.

If you are interested in influence in “disposable” relationships, there are a number of manipulative strategies out there; a simple Google search of “how to persuade” brings back over 38 million results!  However, if you are looking for more lasting results, I would like to share four steps that you can take.

Because these steps are unilateral, you have to consider them as investments rather than exchanges.  Once you’ve made enough of an investment into any one individual, it will eventually become an exchange, but if your focus is on the exchange, you will likely become discouraged and frustrated.

If it is an investment, you should expect it to take time to generate a return.  Executed with consistency, these steps will establish you as a “go-to” person, a reliable ally when things are difficult.

1. Listen to Understand

The most powerful tool I have found in building rapport with anyone is simply listening.  Not listening to fix or to respond, but listening to truly understand where another person is coming from.  This one action alone has established me as the one person in my family that is trusted to get through to the other members.

Effective listening at this level does not happen when we are focused on our own position, our own ideas, our own “rightness.”  We have to set that all aside and truly focus in on where the other person is coming from.  Responding and defending our position can come later.

How to Develop Listening Skills (according to John Maxwell):  1. Look at the speaker.  2. Don’t interrupt.  3. Focus on understanding.  4. Determine the need at the moment.  5. Check your emotions.  6. Suspend your judgment.  7. Sum up at major intervals.  8. Ask questions for clarity.  9. Always make listening your priority.  (p 46 – 51)

More on listening:

2. See the Other’s Perspective

Building on the deep listening of step 1, you can begin to “put yourself in the other’s shoes.”  When you focus on the heart of what people are saying rather than on the words used to express those ideas, and you are able to reflect back to that person their own thoughts with your own words, you create a bond that is not easily broken.  When people feel like you “get them,” they begin to open up to you – and your influence – in ways you might not expect.

If you’re not sure where to start with understanding others, I suggest you start with the “five core concerns.”  Dan Shapiro of the Harvard Negotiation Project describes five things that every person you meet is concerned about.  When you are able to understand these concerns, you have begun to understand the person’s perspective.

How to Understand Others: the 5 Core Concerns (according to Dan Shapiro):  1. Appreciation, 2. Autonomy, 3. Affiliation, 4. Status, 5. Role

More on understanding others:

3. Encourage Others to Achieve

If you can learn to understand people – how they think, what inspires them, how they’re likely to act in a given situation – then you can motivate and influence them.  While it might feel unnecessary, it has been my experience – both as a teacher and coach and as a recipient of encouragement – that people often don’t clearly see their own strengths and potential.  Very often, what I see as an obvious strength in an individual is a source of insecurity for that person.

However, when people understand what you see in them, it gives them confidence and the power to set aside the insecurity and move forward in their personal life purpose.  When they achieve some success through your encouragement, it can then establish you as a trusted source of advice, further increasing your influence with them.

How to Become a Believer in People (according to John Maxwell):  1. Believe in them before they succeed.  2. Emphasize their strengths.  3. List their past successes.  4. Instill confidence when they fail.  5. Experience some wins together.  6. Visualize their future success.  7. Expect a new level of living.  (p. 24 – 31)

More on encouraging others:

4. Build Trust

The final step to long-lasting influence is to build trust.  This is the result of consistently walking out the first three steps.

John Maxwell has compared building trust to a deposit account.  Every time we act in ways that demonstrate integrity, we increase our trust account.  Whenever we act in ways that don’t demonstrate integrity, we decrease our trust account.  Some activities create larger deposits or withdrawals, and some can bankrupt your trust reserves.  (p. 357)

As we develop integrity and trustworthiness, it becomes our character.  This is when you’ve become the influential “go-to” person in your circle, regardless of your position.

How to Become a Person of Integrity (according to John Maxwell):  1. Commit yourself to honesty, reliability, and confidentiality.  2. Decide ahead of time that you don’t have a price.  3. Each day, do what you should do before what you want to do.  (p. 65 – 66)

More on building trust:

From “Investment” to “Exchange”

Once you’ve become consistent in these four steps, you will likely find “investment” relationships evolving into “exchange” relationships.  If you find the other person reciprocating, you can consider this an exchange relationship and can feel confident taking the relationship deeper.  Often, these people will become trusted allies in your plans and projects in return.

Take It Deeper

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

References:

Maxwell, J. 2003.  REAL Leadership: The 101 Collection.

Shapiro, D. The Five Core Concerns of Negotiation. http://bigthink.com/videos/the-five-core-concerns-of-negotiation

Leadership, Our Blog

The One Thing that Helped Me Move to a New Professional Level

By Tasha M. Troy

I’m sure we all know someone who is never satisfied with simply doing a good job; they have to reach higher and go “above and beyond the call of duty.”  In fact, that might be you!

Even as a child, I had a drive to excel, stemming in part from a perfectionist tendency in my personality.  I have been fortunate to be surrounded with people with similar drives for most of my life.

 

The Pain of Discontent

However, just a few years ago, I was no longer content with the reach of my influence.  I wanted more.

  • After coaching hundreds of training participants to give presentations, I wanted to give my own presentations.
  • After training clients in negotiation strategies, I wanted to help those people in my life who needed the same training.
  • After helping trainees gain a greater clarity in cross-cultural situations, I wanted to expand my circle and help even more people gain that clarity.

 

I decided to take my personal and professional development to a new level.  I am an avid reader, so of course I started reading up in the areas of leadership, influence, and negotiation, but I wasn’t always able to implement that learning in my environment.

I had been in a particular role at work for several years, and it appeared that I had grown to the extent that my environment would allow. When I reached the end of my own ability to grow where I was, the tension I felt caused that hunger I felt to become even stronger.

That’s when I decided to hire a personal career coach.

 

Benefits of Coaching

While working with a personal coach didn’t make all the obstacles disappear, it did help me gain perspective and stop overthinking decisions.  Through my growing awareness in the coaching sessions, I gained the confidence to push out of my comfort zone and to step out into new areas.  I haven’t looked back.

In fact, one of the first things I learned through being coached was how much coaching I did with those who report to me.  I often believe in their potential before they do, and it is one of my greatest joys to guide them into living from a place of strength and confidence.

Today, as I continue to work with a coach, the partnership serves me in several ways:

  • It provides an outside perspective for making decisions.
  • It serves as a sounding board and creative thinking partner for thinking through projects.
  • It challenges my assumptions when trying to make sense of situations.
  • It reminds me of my accomplishments when I feel bad about my progress.
  • It provides accountability as I am pursing my goals.

 

Is Coaching for You?

Coaching isn’t for everyone.  Many people are discontented with their situation and want to see things change.  However, I believe it was Tony Robbins who said that “change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.”  Until you reach that threshold, change will not happen.  Have you?

If you have been reading my blog and felt a growing desire to move forward in the areas of professional communication, leadership, and intercultural intelligence skills, I invite you to explore what a coaching partnership could mean for you.

 

Take It Deeper

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.  If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions each week.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive these monthly posts in your inbox, you can subscribe at Troy Communications Blog.

To learn more about executive or career coaching, check out this article from the Harvard Business Review:  What Coaches Can Do for You.